How Do YOU Eat Your Oreo Cookies?
by An-Jelly-Ca
Summary: How do the characters of Harry Potter eat their oreos and what does it say about them? You'll never look at an oreo the same way again. R&R! Chapter 17 up! Complete!
1. The Marauders, Lily, and Baby Harry

**A/N This is going to be part of a new series called How Do You Eat Your Oreo Cookies? Read and Review.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the information based on how you eat your Oreo cookies it is taken from a quiz and I don't own the characters.**

"Hey, Lils how do you eat your Oreo cookie?" Sirius screeched from Lily and James's living room where he was sitting with Remus and James taking a quiz in some muggle magazine Lily subscribed to, called How Do You Eat Your Oreo Cookie?

"You've woken up Harry." Lily scolded as she came through the room and up the stairs as a cry rang through the house. She came down five minutes later with a happy looking baby Harry who she had given an Oreo to. "I dunk them." She answered.

"Every one likes you because you are always up beat. You like to sugar coat unpleasant experiences and rationalize bad situations into good ones. You are in total denial about the shambles you call a life. You have a propensity towards narcotic addiction." Remus recited.

"Ooo. Look at Harry." Sirius said pointing. Harry was eating his cookie by twisting it apart and eating the inside and then the cookie.

"That's how James eats his cookies."

"What does it mean, Remmie?" James asked after cheerfully pointing out how Harry was going be just like him.

"You have a highly curious nature. You take pleasure in breaking things apart to find out how they work, though not always able to put them back together, so you destroy all the evidence of your activities. You deny your involvement when things go wrong. You are a compulsive liar and exhibit deviant, if not criminal, behavior."

"Yes, that is definitely you Prongs!" Remus exclaimed.

"I resent that."

"You_ resemble_ that."

"Well then let's just see what yours says."

"No. I will not let my little boy be your junior Marauder!" Lily said hysterically holding Harry closer to her. The Marauders dutifully ignored her and read off Remus's description. He ate his slowly and methodically.

"You follow the rules. You're very tidy and orderly. You're very meticulous in every detail with every thing you do to the point of being anal retentive and irritating to others. Stay out of the fast lane if you're only going to go the speed limit." Sirius read gleefully after snatching the magazine from Remus.

"Which is why when we were still at Hogwarts he would always have to check his homework three times exactly." James put in.

"Ha-ha. Let's just see what yours says Sirius." Sirius didn't respond he had taken Harry from Lily and was currently letting him play with his wand.

"How does Sirius eat his cookies?" Lily asked.

"He eats the whole thing at once." James answered.

"It's really quite gross." Remus added.

"This means you consume life with abandon, you are fun to be with, exciting, carefree with some hint of recklessness. You are totally irresponsible. No one should trust you with their children."

"SIRIUS? What are you doing?! Give me Harry!" Lily screeched turning around to se Sirius showing Harry how to levitate the cookie jar.

"This quiz may have some merit." Remus said as he watched Lily chase Sirius around the house.

"SIRIUS ORION BLACK!"

"That settles it, Padfoot there's no way Lily's going to trust you with Harry now." James said with a laugh as he watched Lily first grab Harry from his friend and then proceed to hit him repeatedly with her wand.

**A/N Review! And let me know who you want next chapter the Malfoys, the teachers, the death eaters, the Weasleys, or anyone else you can think of. I'm going to do most people probably. But you can tell me who you want next.**


	2. The Dark Lord of The Fuzzie Pink Bunnies

**A/N Thanks for all the reviews! Here are the Death Eaters, and their Dark Lord of the Bunnies.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything!**

"Exactly what is it you're doing?" Voldemort aka The Dark Lord, aka Moldywart, aka Tom Riddle, aka psycho with a wand aka hypocrite of the century aka the Dark Lord of Fuzzy Pink Bunnies asked walking up to his death eaters who were hunched over a magazine.

"Er, well My Lord, when we were off on our latest muggle killings…" Macanair aka as dude who likes to kill innocent hippogriffs started while Voldemort nodded as if it were a fond memory. Which to him it was.

"We found this magazine, and it had this interesting article that analyzes your personality based on how you eat those muggle cookies Oreos.

"The chocolate ones, with the crème filling?" Voldemort asked.

"Yes, indeed, those, are the ones, My Lord."

"Pettigrew, go fetch me some Oreos." Voldemort ordered.

"Y-yes, My lord." Peter aka evil dumb ass that betrayed his friends and deserves death said as he hastened to comply with the task Psycho with A Wand had given him. Peter returned and kneeled and Moldywart's feet offering him the package of cookies.

"How do you eat your Oreos, Peter?" Tom Riddle inquired.

"I lick them, My Lord." Peter responded. Tommy waved a hand at Lucius who red the caption.

"Stay away from small furry animals and seek professional medical help – immediately." Lucius said.

"What does it say about me?" Voldemort said ignoring Peter's rapidly turning red face as he idly ate only the chocolate part of the cookie.

"It says 'You enjoy Pain,' My Lord." Lucius read.

"I rather like this quiz." Voldemort said nodding. The death eaters looked pleased that they had managed to please Hypocrite of the Century. "And what does it say of you Lucius?" The Dark Lord asked mildly interested. Lucius wrinkled up his nose.

"I don't eat Oreos." Lucius said. "So, I am not sure what it says about me."

"Do not fear, Lucius there is an entry for that to." Snape said in a silky voice. "It says this, 'You probably come from a rich family, and like to wear nice things, and go to up-scale restaurants. You are particular and fussy about the things you buy, own, and wear. Things have to be just right. You like to be pampered. You are a priss.'" Snape smirked at his fellow death eater. Lucius shrugged it was true after all. Voldemort looked amused.

"And how do you like to eat your Oreos, Severus?" Lucius drawled.

"He twists it apart and eats the inside but not the cookie." Goyle volunteered. Lucius snatched the magazine from Snape and cleared his throat before continuing.

"'You are good at business and take risks that pay off. You take what you want and throw the rest away. You are greedy, selfish, mean, and lack feelings for others. You should be ashamed of yourself. But that's ok, you don't care, you got yours.'" Snape shrugged nonplussed, it was true. Voldemort clapped his hands excitedly. He could feel a plan forming. But first he must confirm the authenticity of this quiz. He would test it on Bella.

"How do you eat you Oreos, Bella?" The Dark Lord of Fuzzy Pink Bunnies inquired.

"I take small quick bites." Bella said quickly eager to please her lord of the bunnies.

"Your boss likes you because you get your work done quickly. You always have a million things to do and never enough time to do them. Mental breakdowns and suicides run in your family. Valium and Ritalin would do you good." Rodolophus read to his wife.

"Indeed." Voldemort said with a nod. "I have a plan!" He said causing all the death eaters to lean forward eagerly. "I will kill the boy Potter, by changing his Oreo eating method!" The lord of all things fuzzy and bunnylike exclaimed triumphantly. "By forcing him to eat his Oreos one bite at a time he will according to this article become normal! Listen to this, 'You are lucky to be one of the 5.4 billion other people who eat their Oreos this very same way. Just like them, you lack imagination, but that's okay, not to worry, you're normal.' And if Potter is normal, he can die, and I will be SUPREME RULER OF THE BUNNIES, I mean er the WORLD." The Bunny Lord announced. The death eaters gaped at him but hurried to applaud as though terrified he would kill anyone who did not agree to his plan. Voldemort let out a maniacal laugh and began eating another Oreo.

**A/N Review!**


	3. Dumbledore and Staff

**A/N I have modified history, Lily and James have not died, and neither has Sirius, or Dumbledore, because I won't let them! Ahem I am in Sirius denial.**

**I AM IN SIRIUS DENIAL! SIRIUS IS NOT DEAD! AND I WILL NOT LET YOU SAY OTHERWISE! If you too are in Sirius denial then copy and paste this into your profile. Because Denial is not just a river in Egypt!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own the quiz results or the characters. But I do know that SIRIUS is NOT DEAD repeat NOT DEAD. STOP TRYING TO SPREAD YOUR LIES! **

**Thanks for all the fabulous reviews they make me so happy! Lol. Keep reviewing!**

The staff of Hogwarts was seated at the long table in the room. Dumbledore aka Lover of Lemon Drops aka Guy-with-eyes-that-won't-stop-damn-twinkling aka guy who would have gotten Sirius killed if I didn't write it out aka Manipulating Old Man aka the dude with the really long beard aka King-Of-How-Not-To-Understand-That-No-One-Wants-A-Stupid-Lemon-Drop aka Master-Of-Skirting-Around-the-Issue aka The-Only-Person-on-The-Face-Of-The-Planet-Who-can-talk-for-nine-hours-and-still-not-have-made-a-point aka The-Wizard-Who-Just-Wouldn't-Shut-Up aka Sir-Talks-A-Lot had called an emergency meeting and they were all eager to hear what it was that was so important he had woken them at four in the morning for. Well Snape wasn't so eager; I mean it was four-in-the-bloody-morning-who-wakes-up-at-four -in-the-morning?! And several staff members seemed to have fallen asleep, but still they were eager…or maybe that's what the Dude with the Really Long Beard told himself. He had to think these things otherwise…well…he didn't know why…but…whatever.

"I call this emergency staff meeting to order." Guy-with-eyes-that-won't-stop-damn-twinkling said in a loud voice. Everyone looked up and tried to act interested, well almost everyone, but well…Snape wasn't much for socializing…or politeness…or water…or soap…the list goes on. "Today we are here to discuss a very important manner. It has come to my intention that no one likes my lemon drops. I mean they are really quite delicious, I'm beginning to get offended, but alas; it is fine, because I have considered the matter and concluded that maybe you fancy chocolate. So, I now will be giving out Oreo's a muggle cookie I'm rather fond of. And they come with a quiz that will evaluate your personality based on your method of consuming them!" Lover of Lemon Drops exclaimed.

Everyone groaned and several Professors moved to stand, but Guy who Would have Gotten Sirius Killed if I didn't Write it Out was Faster. He murmured a complicated locking spell which would prevent anyone besides him from opening the door. "Now, you would all like to have an Oreo wouldn't you?" Dumbledore asked the twinkle in his blue eyes positively maddening. Snape fought the urge to tear out the old man's eyes if only to stop the damned twinkling.

"No, I wouldn't like a bloody Oreo." Snape said.

"I assure you Severus there is no blood on these Oreos." Manipulating Old Man said. "I checked myself." He added as an afterthought. This caused a murmur to go through the room as to why he would need to look for blood on the cookies anyway. "As soon as you eat your Oreo and take the evaluation you are free to leave." Dumbledore said. "Maybe this will teach you not to disrespect my lemon drops." King-Of-How-Not-To-Understand-That-No-One-Wants-A-Stupid-Lemon-Drop added. Snape muttered to McGonagall that clearly Dumbledore had finally cracked. Nevertheless each professor picked up a cookie off their plate and glared at it. Flitwick shrugged cheerfully and ate his cookie. _He always was a damned morning person_ Snape thought to himself with a grumble. "Is he serious?" Remus murmured to Sirius who was the History of Magic teacher he had never bee to Azkaban because Peter had been discovered before he could reveal the Potter's whereabouts to Voldemort.

"No, I'm Sirius." Sirius responded causing everyone to groan. Remus shook his head at his friend.

"You had to do that didn't you?" Remus asked.

"Yup." Sirius said as he shoved the cookie into his mouth. Remus rolled his eyes at him and managing to scare everyone he slowly and methodically ate his cookie in perfect unison with McGonagall. Sirius edged his chair away from his friend looking thoroughly terrified. Dumbledore cleared his throat interrupting his staff which was slowly edging away from the Defense Against the Dark Arts and Transfiguration Professors.

"Now that you are finished I will tell you your results pass in your evaluations." Master-Of-Skirting-Around-the-Issue instructed. He took them and peered at the answers through his half moon spectacles. "Minerva, Remus it says the following You follow the rules. You're very tidy and orderly. You're very meticulous in every detail with every thing you do to the point of being anal retentive and irritating to others. Stay out of the fast lane if you're only going to go the speed limit." Dumbledore read as the staff members that weren't sleeping burst into laughter.

The-Only-Person-on-The-Face-Of-The-Planet-Who-can-talk-for-nine-hours-and-still-not-have-made-a-point allowed the laughing for a moment before reading off Snape's results. "I feel at this point I must explain that these opinions are not my own but rather those of a highly competent muggle research agency." Dumbledore disclaimed. "Severus, you are good at business and take risks that pay off. You take what you want and throw the rest away. You are greedy, selfish, mean, and lack feelings for others. You should be ashamed of yourself. But that's ok, you don't care, you got yours." Sirius started whistling and clapped.

"Bravo, Snivellus!" Sirius exclaimed.

"You're an immature imbecilic ignoramus."

"Try saying that five times fast!" Sirius exclaimed unfazed.

"I'd rather not." Snape replied. Remus rolled his eyes and whispered to Sirius that Snape had in fact just insulted him. Sirius's eyes widened and he opened his mouth to retort just as The-Wizard-Who-Just-Wouldn't-Shut-Up interrupted.

"Sirius it says…This means you consume life with abandon, you are fun to be with, exciting, carefree with some hint of recklessness. You are totally irresponsible. No one should trust you with their children."

"I always knew, Potter shouldn't have trusted you with being godfather of his kid, but then I give him to much credit, he doesn't have the intelligence to realize that you can't be trusted with a kid." Remus had to hold Sirius back when he tried to launch himself across the table at Snape. Snape smirked at the struggling wizard.

"I'll kill you Snivellus." Sirius said; the only thing preventing him from reaching Snape was Remus who was slightly stronger then Sirius due to being a werewolf. But that could only protect Snape for so long.

"Albus, I really think that you should just let us go before Sirius gets free and kills Severus." McGonagall said logically.

"Fine." Sir-Talks-A-Lot said in a resigned tone as he unlocked the room.

**A/N Review! Who do you want next?**


	4. Sirius 'Teaches' His Class

**A/N Thanks to all reviewers! I created a new character for this chapter. Arianna is Remus's cousin and Tonks is a sixth year in this chapter.**

**Disclaimer: ****You can't have everything. Where would you put it?- Steven Wright**

"Hey, Padfoot can you do me a favor and watch Harry for me?" James asked coming through the Floo in Sirius' office at Hogwarts with Harry in his arms. The little boy was wriggling and demanding to be set down. James obliged and Harry promptly went over to Sirius and demanded to be picked up.

"Pa-foot?" Harry said mispronouncing the nickname. Sirius took one look at his godson and crumbled. He knew that he had classes today, he knew that he would have to bring Harry to them, and he knew it would be a pain but as the little boy looked at him with big green eyes he couldn't say no; and Sirius was willing to bet his stash of chocolate which he hid from Remus that this was what James was counting on.

"Fine." Sirius said with a long suffering sigh.

"Thanks, Padfoot." James said grinning at his friend before saying bye to Harry and going back out the Floo.

"How do I get myself into these things?" Sirius asked the two year old. Harry giggled and Sirius shook his head and headed out of the room to go find Remus; maybe he would be willing to watch Harry for a bit.

"Moooooooooony?" Sirius said drawing out the name. Harry upon spotting his Uncle Moony was intent upon saying hello.

"Down." Harry ordered sternly. Sirius distractedly put the little boy down and Harry went over to Remus tugging on his leg. "Up." He said.

"How'd James rope you into watching Harry again?" Remus asked. "Remember what happened last time…"

"Yes, well no one was seriously hurt."

"The poor Hufflepuff girl spent a month in the hospital wing, and don't even get me started on what happened to the Slytherins…"

"That's in the past, I'm perfectly capable of keeping Harry entertained without endangering the lives of the Slytherins."

"Mmmhmm."

"If you're so worried why don't you watch him?" Sirius asked hopefully. Harry was getting bored with Remus and started wiggling and demanding to go by Uncle Pa-foot as he called him. Remus noticed that Harry's version of the nickname rhymed with Ka-put as in what Sirius would be if he let anything happen to Lily's baby boy.

"Can't. We have a practical lesson, today, and it's Slytherins and Gryffindor, I really can't have Harry get in the middle of them when they are practically itching to hex each other, what with the upcoming Qudditch match." Sirius rolled his eyes at his friend and accepted Harry from him. Harry squealed in delight and grabbed a fistful of Sirius's hair and yanked. Sirius looked at Remus for help as he struggled to disentangle the little boy from his hair. Lily had assured Sirius that Harry's fascination with pulling his hair was just a phase and he would grow out of it, and yet he'd been doing it since he was like a month old and he was two and still pulling on it. Remus laughed and told Harry in a firm voice that he had to let go; and when that didn't work he bribed him with a cookie.

"All right let's just go get breakfast." Sirius said when he realized that Remus wasn't going to watch Harry for him. They headed into The Great Hall and up to the staff table. Harry clapped his hands excitedly as he sat on Sirius's lap he peered to Sirius's left where he spotted one of his favorite targets.

"Minnie!" Harry squealed as he pulled on her hair causing it to come out of it's bun.

"Honestly." McGonagall started dryly fixing both Sirius and Harry with a stern look after she fixed her hair. "I would think, that by now, you would have learned that I do not appreciate being called Minnie." McGonagall said firmly.

"Of course, Minnie." Sirius replied sweetly.

"Sirius Black!" McGonagall warned. "It's bad enough that you and James never respected your Professors now you're teaching Harry to do it to!" McGonagall exclaimed as she thought horrified of seven years of teaching Harry who was rapidly becoming a mini-James.

"Yes, of course, Minnie." Sirius said nodding as he handed Harry a piece of toast. McGonagall rolled her eyes heavenward as though begging for an intervention of some sort.

**In Sirius's sixth year Slytherin/Gryffindor class…**

"Today we are discussing Oreo's…" Sirius informed his History of Magic class. Several of his students stared at him as though he had finally cracked. Not that many of them were sure of his sanity in the first place. The only one who seemed entirely unfazed was Sirius's cousin Tonks who was leaning back in her seat changing her hair with a loud pop every few seconds. Harry had tottered over to her and was clapping his hands and egging her on.

"Professor?" Arianna Lupin Remus's cousin asked raising her hand.

"Yes?" Sirius asked anticipating her protest. She was related to _Remus _after all…

"Shouldn't we discuss…well…History of Magic…?"

"Well, as I am the professor and I get to make the lesson plan I say we should discuss Oreo's! Are you questioning my competence at making a lesson plan? Do you disagree with my authority?" Sirius questioned drawing delight from the girl's horrified glance.

"Of course not, Professor!" She exclaimed. Sirius smirked to himself. She was easier to manipulate then her cousin.

"Well then let's begin…" Sirius said pointedly ignoring the Slytherin's who were glaring at him. "By the way anyone who has a problem with my choice in topic can feel free to write me a ten thousand word essay on why they wish to fail sixth year." Sirius said as he pulled out the muggle magazine he had taken the quiz in along with twenty copies of the quiz printed on parchment. He waved his wand and the papers distributed themselves. Sirius collected the papers after five minutes. He wrote a tally on the board. Out of twenty students; Four didn't eat Oreos (No doubt Slytherins), Three twisted it apart ate the inside and tossed the cookie portion, three ate only the cookie, two ate it slowly and methodically, three ate it one bite at a time, one ate it in feverous nibbles, two dunked them, one ate the whole thing at once, and one twisted it apart and ate the inside and then the cookie.

"Tonks, according to your results, your boss likes you because you get your work done quickly. You always have a million things to do and never enough time to do them. Mental breakdowns and suicides run in your family. Valium and Ritalin would do you good." Sirius said reading out of the magazine. Tonks made a face at her cousin before wrinkling up her nose and changing her hair to a bright pink causing Harry to shriek with laughter. Sirius laughed at his cousin before continuing to read off the results. Finally he reached Arianna. "Same thing as Remus…" Sirius said dryly. "You follow the rules. You're very tidy and orderly. You're very meticulous in every detail with every thing you do to the point of being anal retentive and irritating to others. Stay out of the fast lane if you're only going to go the speed limit." Arianna shrugged at her Professor who was doubled over laughing. Tonks too had broken into laughter. Arianna rolled her eyes at her friend in a perfect imitation of Remus when Sirius or James was bothering him.

**A/N Review! **


	5. Wee Weasleys

**A/N Wow I am so sorry for the wait. I got caught up with a lot of things and I couldn't figure out what to do with this. I hope everyone is well, R&R. And Mar I updated. Now you have to, don't make me pull up the chat records to prove it to you.**

**Thanks for all the reviews everyone!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own so don't sue me! **

"Bill honey have you seen Fred and George?" Molly Weasley asked sounding frazzled as she turned toward her eldest son who was ten years old.

"No, I'm afraid not, Mum." Bill said looking up from where he sat with his brother Charlie. The two were eating Oreos, a muggle cookie their Father was rather obsessed with, but then their father was obsessed with most things relating to muggles.

"Fred? George?" Mrs. Weasley called through the house wondering where her four year old twins were. Her little boys were extremely…rambunctious and she didn't like it when they went unaccounted for.

The little twins in question were hiding under their brother Percy's bed having the implicit goal of being in the place their Mother was least likely to find them. They had stolen a bag of Oreos from the cabinet and were happily shoveling the cookies into their mouths. "I like cookie!" George exclaimed clapping his hands excitedly.

"Me too!" Fred exclaimed excitedly wiping his sticky hands on one of his brother's bed spread.

"There you two are." Charlie Weasley muttered having heard their giggling as he passed by on his way to his room. "Percy's would be so mad if he knew you were in here, but as it is he's in the kitchen with Bill." He continued now on his stomach pulling the twins by their arms out from under the bed.

"Charlie!" the two said in unison clapping their sticky hands.

"We have…"

"…Cookies." George finished shoving on into his brother's face.

"Thanks." The nine year old muttered dryly. "C'mon, Mom's freaking out, and Bill just found a quiz in the Muggle magazine Dad brought home, I want to do it." He finished grabbing the cookies as an afterthought. By the time they reached the kitchen Molly Weasley was in hysterics screaming about how she had lost the twins.

"Fred, George!" She exclaimed rushing over to the twins and picking them up. "Where were they?" She asked Charlie.

"…uh…upstairs." She nodded and looked as though she would ask specifically where but didn't as she noticed how sticky they were and took them over to the sink. "So, what's the quiz about, Bill?" Charlie inquired sitting down next to his brother.

"Oreos."

"Oreos? Like those muggle cookies Fred and George were eating?"

"Yup. It's on how you eat them."

"Oh…so, Bill, how do you eat your Oreo cookies?"

"I dunk them." His brother replied.

"And that means?" Charlie asked raising and eyebrow at his older brother.

"Your boss likes you because you get your work done quickly. You always have a million things to do and never enough time to do them. Mental breakdowns and suicides run in your family. Valium and Ritalin would do you good." Charlie took one look at his brother's face and burst into hysterical laughter.

"Ha-ha, well then, if you're so confident let's see what it says about you, shall we? How do you eat you're Oreos?"

"The whole thing."

"The whole thing?"

"That's what I said."

"Don't mock me. As in you shove the whole cookie in your mouth?" Bill asked in disbelief.

"Yes…"

"That's disgusting, Charlie."

"Shut up and read the description."

"Don't tell your brother to shut up." Molly reprimanded from where she held a struggling Fred still attempting to wash him off while George tried to sneak away.

"This means you consume life with abandon, you are fun to be with, exciting, carefree with some hint of recklessness. You are totally irresponsible. No one should trust you with their children." Bill read off with a grin.

"This test is bogus. Let's try it on Percy."

"Hey, Perce, how do you eat your Oreos?" Bill asked turning to his six year old brother.

"In small bites, I like to observe the cookie after each one." They blinked at their brother.

"You're weird." Charlie responded.

"Charles Weasley! Don't call your brother weird!"

"You follow the rules. You're very tidy and orderly. You're very meticulous in every detail with every thing you do to the point of being anal retentive and irritating to others. Stay out of the fast lane if you're only going to go the speed limit."

"Well, that's Percy." Charlie answered.

"At least I'm not a slob." The six year old answered sticking his tongue out at Charlie.

"It never said I was a slob!"

"You are though."

"Am not!"

"Are too."

"Let's just see how the twins eat their cookies, shall we?" Bill interrupted.

"They twist them apart and eat the inside then the cookie." Charlie responded automatically.

"Okay…then…You have a highly curious nature. You take pleasure in breaking things apart to find out how they work, though not always able to put them back together, so you destroy all the evidence of your activities. You deny your involvement when things go wrong. You are a compulsive liar and exhibit deviant, if not criminal, behavior."

"Fine…the quiz has some merit…just not for me." Charlie answered.

"Or me." Bill put in. "Now where is our baby brother?"

"Ron? He's in the highchair."

"…"

"Right next to you."

"Don't say a word." Bill answered passing Ron a cookie. The little boy took it and examined it for a moment before taking a large bite out of it. "Every one likes you because you are always up beat. You like to sugar coat unpleasant experiences and rationalize bad situations into good ones. You are in total denial about the shambles you call a life. You have a propensity towards narcotic addiction."

"…Well…that's right cheerful that is." Charlie remarked.

"Where's Ginny?"

"You're not giving your one year old sister a cookie." Mrs. Weasley cautioned exiting the room thus leaving the kids alone.

"She also is right by you." Charlie answered indicating to Ginny who was in a second high chair situated behind Bill.

"Not a word." Bill responded as Charlie gave Ginny a cookie. The little girl ate only the cookie wiping the inside off on the tray of the chair. "It means that she enjoys pain."

"She does…" Charlie remarked. "When I tried to fly off the roof with no broom she started laughing her head off."

"And you say your description is wrong?"

"Yes…"

"It's not."

"Is too."

"Is not."

"Is too."

"Is not."

"William Weasley, Charles Weasley, did you give Ginny a cookie after I expressly told you not to?"

"…It was him!" They exclaimed in unison pointing at each other.

**A/N Again I am so sorry for the wait, review please, and suggest who should go next. Oh and Mar, you said that when I updated this you would update Rewriting History so I expect an update! Review!**


	6. Eye Rolling with Draco

**A/N Meh…why is it that when trying to update one story an idea for a different one always pops into your head? I was thinking about one of my other stories that I planned to update when an idea for this story popped into my head, so here you have it…an update!**

**Thanks to all reviewers!**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing!**

"They'll publish anything now won't they?!" Draco Malfoy exclaimed indignantly the sneer that seemed to be permanently affixed to his face firmly in place. His comrades nodded vehemently and he plopped…sorry…sat gracefully…Malfoys never plop. "I mean, even in a wizarding magazine they're publishing Muggle filth! Look at this 'How do you eat your Oreos and what does it say about you?' Witch Weekly has really gone down hill."

"I dunno, Draco, I like Oreos." Crabbe said, or rather, grunted. Draco rolled his eyes and looked at his friend rather minion with disdain.

"…Oreos are for common people, muggles and mudbloods. Not self-respecting purebloods!" Draco responded with another eye roll.

"I don't know, Draco, I think this quiz might have some merit." Pansy started, Draco raised an eyebrow at her silently waiting for an explanation. "Well, you don't like Oreos correct?"

"Yes." Draco said with an expression that clearly said 'Duh, did you even have to ask?'

"Well, according to the result for someone who doesn't like Oreos 'You probably come from a rich family, and like to wear nice things, and go to up-scale restaurants. You are particular and fussy about the things you buy, own, and wear. Things have to be just right. You like to be pampered. You are a priss.' Pansy recited.

"…I think she's right, Draco." Nott put in before turning around to congratulate a forth year for getting away with hexing a muggle-born.

"I am not a priss." Draco responded with a derisive sniff.

"…"

"You kind of are, Draco." Nott responded eyeing the Slytherin Prince carefully as though afraid Draco would attack him.

"Fine, well then, how do you eat your _Oreo _cookies?" Draco said, the tone he said when saying Oreo indicating his distaste for them.

"I eat only the cookie portion not the inside." Nott replied. Draco's eyes widened in disbelief and he stared at Nott open-mouthed.

"You mean you actually _ingest _these things?" Draco asked in a shocked tone jabbing at the picture of Oreos on the magazine page.

"…Yes, that would typically be what someone means when they say they eat something." Nott replied his voice laced with sarcasm.

"Ugh. Fine, well then this rubbish quiz says 'You enjoy pain'…Well, okay, at least the results are good for something…I suppose."

"Yeah, yeah, we all know you hate Oreos, cast a different spell why don't you, you sound like you've been hit with a repeat hex." Pansy broke in. Draco glared at her for good measure before responding.

"Fine, well…how do you eat your disgusting muggle cookies?" The Prince of Oreo hating questioned.

"Oreos?" Crabbe asked stupidly before Pansy could respond.

"Yes." Draco answered through clenched teeth.

"I twist them apart and eat the inside and throw away the cookie." Pansy answered.

"You are good at business and take risks that pay off. You take what you want and throw the rest away. You are greedy, selfish, mean, and lack feelings for others. You should be ashamed of yourself. But that's ok, you don't care, you got yours." Draco quoted.

"That's our Pansy, such a nice sweet girl." Nott said with a smirk.

"…Shut up, Pain-boy."

"Alright then, lets see, Crabbe how do you eat your Oreo cookies?"

"I just lick them." Draco stared at his minion in disbelief and took one look at Crabbe's results in the magazine and burst into laughter. As a result Blaise snatched the magazine from his hands and read the results out loud.

"Stay away from small furry animals and seek professional medical help - immediately." Blaise accompanied by the rest of the Slytherins in their group started to slowly edge away from Crabbe.

"Okay, so Blaise how do you eat your Oreos?" Pansy said after a few moments.

"Small quick bites."

"Your boss likes you because you get your work done quickly. You always have a million things to do and never enough time to do them. Mental breakdowns and suicides run in your family. Valium and Ritalin would do you good."

"Huh…that's cheerful." Draco said after Pansy read it.

"Okay, well then…Goyle how do you eat your Oreos?" Nott broke in.

"What's an Oreo?" Goyle asked blinking stupidly. The others minus Crabbe stared at him incredulously.

"The. Filthy. Muggle. Cookie. We've. Been. Discussing. For. The. Last. Forty. Bloody. Minutes." Draco answered through clenched teeth.

"Oh." Goyle responded. Draco rolled his eyes again and Pansy fleetingly wondered whether his eyes could get stuck up there as a result of his frequent eye-rolling.

"So how do you eat them?" Nott asked.

"Eat what?" Goyle asked.

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…The OREOS, for Merlin's sake." Draco snapped.

"Oh…what about the Oreos?"

"I'm going to throttle him." Pansy shrieked pulling out her wand. Blaise grabbed her wand hand as she moved to hex Goyle.

"How. Do. You. Bloody. Eat. Them."

"Oh, why didn't you say so?" Goyle asked as though they had been speaking a different language for the past hour or so. "I eat them one bite at a time." Draco glared at him and massaged his temples before responding.

"You are lucky to be one of the 5.4 billion other people who eat their Oreos this very same way. Just like them, you lack imagination, but that's okay, not to worry, you're normal." Draco secretly thought that it wasn't a lack of imagination that caused Goyle to eat his Oreos this way it was more of a lack of intelligence to know how to eat them any other way.

"Let's never speak of this again." Draco said abruptly as Snape entered their common room to talk to a seventh year Slytherin boy about a detention he'd received.

"Okay." Pansy said taking the magazine from Draco and passing into Nott who sneakily slid it into the fire place glancing around to make sure no one saw. Snape glanced at them on his way out but saw only a group of Slytherins with their Potions books out working diligently on the essay he had assigned.

**A/N So…tell me what you though…let me know who you want next chapter…I love reviews…lol…so…review…I'll give you cookies. **


	7. Divination Class: Harry's Era

**A/N I'm sorry for the wait, but hey, look how long this chapter is!**

**Thanks to all reviewers!**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

Professor Sybil Trelawney was not having a good day. She had a mixed class of third year Slytherins and Gryffindors today and she was _not_ looking forward to it. Every time she had a mixed class of these particular students she ended up having to contact at least half the class's parents. You see this particular class was made up of Harry Potter (who insisted on behaving just like his Father, Godfather, and "Uncle" Remus, she was already envisioning another tiresome conference with said boy's parents), Draco Malfoy (who of course turned his nose up at Divination (it was below his self-declared greatness), Ron Weasley (who specialized in making jokes about Divination and poorly hiding his laughter by stuffing his fist in his mouth), Hermione Granger (who tutted loudly at everything she said), Neville Longbottom (who was forever breaking things), and of course several other students who also got on her nerves but did not warrant the constant rebuke that the other five needed. On this particular day Trelawney had decided to teach a lesson she hadn't taught since the mid-seventies. Three guesses who was in that class. In other words, it had been so unsuccessful the first time she gave the lesson that she had been terrified to teach it for all these years. But finally she had managed to delude herself enough to teach it again. She told herself that no way could this class possibly be as bad as the one she taught all those years ago...

Alas, she was mistaken…poor, sad, delusional woman that she was, she failed to realize that this class contained Harry Potter, the heir of the Marauders (or as Trelawney called them 'the-students-who-drove-her-nuts-finally-resulting-in-her-having-to-get-a-psycological-examination.') In fact, the day the finally made her crack was in fact the day she taught this particular lesson…but, that's a story for another day. Today she planned to educate her class about Oreos…yes, she planned to teach them about cookies. Trelawney sighed as she heard a bell ringing in the distance; her class would be starting in a matter of moments...

"Hellooooooooooo, Sybil, dear." Sirius Black exclaimed loping over to where she stood.

"B-black…" The Divination professor stumbled over his name staring at her former student in abject horror; he was in fact the reason that she hardly ever left her tower. It simply wasn't safe down there with such a lunatic running around. And she simply did not understand why he had not ended up in jail by now! She had protected that he would end up in Azkaban, and damnit she was certain that prediction had been correct! But then she had also been certain James would be dead by now and look how that turned out…

If there hadn't been a bloody full moon that Halloween Trelawney was certain her prediction would've been correct. But, no matter, there was still time for Black to get himself thrown in jail; she just had to keep faith. I mean, had she ever been wrong before? (Trelawney would like it stated for the record that this is in fact a rhetorical question she does not want anyone to answer.) "What is it you want, Black?" She finally asked her fellow professor who was jumping up and down on the balls of his feet in anticipation.

"I want you to swear your complete allegiance to the superior race of the Spoinkles! Buhoohahahaha!" Sirius exclaimed cackling madly. Just as Trelawney was about to start screaming in abject terror an out of breath Remus Lupin came running into the room. He was followed shortly by a cluster of her students; Harry, Hermione, Ron, Draco, Crabbe, Goyle, Neville, and of course Lavender and Parvati who were never late for one of her classes. She did so adore those two girls.

"Siri…Siriu…Sirius…" Remus choked out gasping for breath and clutching his side. Said professor had cornered Trelawney and was proceeding to braid her hair…yes, Sirius Black was braiding his former Divination professor's hair. Finally regaining his breath Remus calmly strode over to Sirius and grabbed him by the arm and proceeded to drag him toward the exit. He paused by Harry who was staring at them confusedly.

"Uncle Moony, what exactly happened to him?"

"Let's just say he and your Dad were doing something stupid and it rebounded on them. And now I'm stuck babysitting your godfather until this wears off. Lily resolutely refused to watch both of them and so I got stuck with Sirius."

"Oh…okay…bye Uncle Moony, bye Uncle Padfoot."

"Bye, Harry!" Sirius exclaimed cheerfully whilst Remus rolled his eyes.

"Bye, Harry, let's go Sirius…" Remus said while forcefully dragging a protesting Sirius toward the trapdoor. "Oh, and Sybil, I do apologize for interrupting your class." He finished not looking the least bit sorry. In fact he seemed rather glad to have interrupted the subject he had always deemed as false in his own Hogwarts years. In fact he and McGonagall held many a long suffering conversation at the staff table. Remus finally managed to get Sirius onto the slivery ladder and the trapdoor closed with a snap leaving Trelawney glaring after two of her most hated former students resentfully.

"Today class, we're going to learn to determine futures based on a mysterious oracle known as an Oreo."

"She's finally cracked…" Hermione hissed to Harry and Ron (said redhead just stared at her blankly due to the fact that he had absolutely no clue what an Oreo was). Several half-bloods and muggle-borns burst into laughter at the announcement or struggled to maintain their composure…they were largely unsuccessful in this endeavor.

"Do you have a comment Miss Granger?" Trelawney asked her voice losing its usual mystical tone (although she had lost her mystical effect a while ago, due to the fact that her many shawls were hanging lopsided and her hair was sticking up in random braids, but it appeared that the Divination professor either didn't notice or didn't care, perhaps a combination of both.) Lavender and Parvati were both busily shooting Hermione scandalized looks.

"Um…yes, I mean no…er, Professor." Hermione responded turning bright red. Ron promptly started giggling…I mean chuckling! Yes, chuckling…in a very manly fashion of course…_right_…that's exactly what he was doing. Hermione promptly kicked him in the shin and Ron muttered a loud 'ow' which caused Trelawney to stare in their direction, so Hermione angrily attempted to kick Ron yet again except this time she accidentally kicked Harry who let out a loud yelp. "Sorry, Harry!" Hermione exclaimed when said boy glared at her reproachfully.

"I haven't even started my lesson and already you three see fit to ruin it." Trelawney said once again throwing her goal of appearing mystical right out the window. "Potter move by Malfoy. Parkinson come take Potter's place. Weasley go sit with Parvati and Lavender." She ordered while all students involved glared at her (excluding Parvati and Lavender who could never be upset with her. Besides they planned to take advantage of this opportunity to teach Ron to show some respect for Divination! Even if it killed them). "Everyone send one person from your table to get a container of Oreos and some milk and glasses." Trelawney continued. Each group dutifully sent someone up to get the Oreos. Well, there was a slight hitch in the group of Blaise, Harry, and Draco, in that Draco seemed to feel that Harry should get up and get the required elements and Harry seemed to disagree with Draco's sentiment. In the end Blaise had to get up and get the Oreos because the other two third years were sitting with their arms crossed having a glaring match. "Now class I will explain to you how to determine your futures using the Oreo. Each one of you must simply take an Oreo and eat it however you would like to, the people in your group will determine your personality based on the manner in which you eat your Oreo. I will be walking around." Trelawney warily explained the directions to her class.

"Well, go on, Malfoy, eat the bloody Oreo." Harry ordered glaring at the blond Slytherin seated across from him.

"I don't eat Oreos." Draco replied scowling at Harry. "But, I wouldn't expect you, with your mudblood mother to have that level of class." He continued idly examining his finger nails not at all aware of the angry shade of red his rival was turning…but, that obliviousness would disappear in 5…4…3…2…1…and before anyone had time to stop him or even notice what was happening, Harry had pulled out his wand pointed it at Draco's heart and proceeded to threaten him.

"Say something about my mother again, go on, I dare you." Harry said his emerald eyes narrowed dangerously. Draco rolled his eyes at Harry and lazily pulled out his own wand.

"You really need to work on your anger issues. Have you seen a Mind Healer about your rage? Because if not I think you should seriously consider doing so…"

"Potter! Malfoy! Put down your wands and report to the Headmaster's office." Trelawney ordered angrily. She could feel a migraine coming on, she really should have let Harry stay by Ron and Hermione. Alas, hindsight is 20/20. The two rivals stood up, lowered their wands and proceeded toward the trapdoor. They exited the room with little incidence excluding when they both tried to shove the other through the trapdoor. But, no one got hurt...that badly.

"This is all Potter's fault you know." Pansy said in a bored tone. Hermione scowled at the other girl.

"As if, Malfoy provoked him." The bushy haired girl responded.

"Parkinson, Granger the only thing I want to hear you discussing is Oreos." Trelawney said swooping down on the third year girls. "Now, eat a cookie, Miss Granger." Hermione scowled at her teacher but dutifully took an Oreo and proceeded to take small, meticulous bites out of the cookie. "Now, Miss Parkinson, why don't you read Hermione her fortune?" Pansy could think of about a million and one reasons why she shouldn't read Hermione her fortune but decided that she had no interest in getting detention over this, for now anyway.

"You follow the rules. You're very tidy and orderly. You're very meticulous in every detail with every thing you do to the point of being anal retentive and irritating to others. Stay out of the fast lane if you're only going to go the speed limit." Pansy recited. "They forgot know-it-all mudblood." Pansy hissed quietly so that only Hermione could hear her. Hermione narrowed her eyes at the Slytherin.

"Now, Miss Parkinson, you eat an Oreo, and Miss Granger you tell her the fortune." Trelawney said breaking up the 'love fest' between the two girls (meaning the old bat remained completely oblivious to the fact that the two girls were fingering their wands in anticipation of hexing each other and continued to order them to do her little experiment).

"You are good at business and take risks that pay off. You take what you want and throw the rest away. You are greedy, selfish, mean, and lack feelings for others. You should be ashamed of yourself. But that's ok, you don't care, you got yours." Hermione read off the piece of parchment Trelawney had given them. "Well, they've got you pegged, Parkinson, well, they did forget pug-faced pureblood elitist."

"Do you have a problem with me, Granger?" Pansy asked standing up and pulling out her wand after noticing that Trelawney had moved away from them to talk with Ron's group. Hermione responded by rolling her eyes, because it was glaringly obvious that she had a problem with Pansy. The two girls promptly proceeded to hex each other, Hermione hitting Pansy with a stinging hex, and Pansy getting Hermione with a Jelly-legs jinx. At this point all hell broke loose in the classroom and Gryffindors and Slytherins began to throw hexes back and forth across the room at each other despite Trelawney's repeated yells for them to stop. She was finally forced to shoot sparks in the air with her wand, this effectively got their attention.

"This entire class has detention, I will see you all here at nine o'clock Friday night." Trelawney said in a deadly tone. "Class dismissed."

**Meanwhile in Dumbledore's Office…**

The scene in Albus Dumbledore's office was amusing to say the least. This incident between Harry and Draco had been the sixth that month, and he had been forced to fire call their parents who had promptly come to his office for a conference. And so, Harry Potter found himself sitting in a chair next to his Mother, with his Father on her other side. His father, James Potter, was bouncing up and down oblivious to his surroundings, and Lily had a firm hold on his arm keeping him in the seat. Draco was seated in between his parents. His father was scowling heavily in the direction of the Potters. And his mother was looking toward the other Professor's in the room with disdain, well specifically one professor, Professor Sirius Black, her cousin. Said cousin was being a disgrace to the Black family once again as he stood next Professor Remus Lupin rocking back and forth and laughing psychotically. Professors Minerva McGonagall and Severus Snape were also present, both looking extremely angry.

"Draco, Harry, I expect you know why I called you here." Dumbledore began what was obviously going to be a long speech which no one would understand the point of.

"Headmaster, I've had enough of these students, they're hooligans every one of them!" Trelawney exclaimed storming into the room taking no notice of the other residents.

"I am presently engaged in a conference, Sybil, but you can file a complaint and leave it on my desk, however it is doubtful that I will ever read it, you can ask Severus about this, he will be sure to tell you that I never listen to a word of his complaints." Dumbledore said in a pleasant voice. Sirius and James applauded him loudly when he said this, and he gave them a small nod in reply. The two looked pleased with themselves and proceeded to play a game of Patty-Cake while Lily, Remus, and Harry buried their faces in their hands looking mortified.

"Headmaster…" Lucius Malfoy began his dislike of the man clear. "In light of the fact that half of your staff is insane…" He continued with a gesture to where Remus Lupin was repeatedly hitting his head against the wall, Sirius was playing patty-cake, Trelawney was muttering to herself, and Snape was attempting to break free of McGonagall's spell that had bound him where he stood to attack James who had dyed his hair pink. "I think you should drop this matter, I would smile upon such an act," Malfoy said even though we all know Lucy has never smiled a day in his life. "And I won't feel the need to have all your professors fired." Dumbledore smiled at Lucius and seemed to consider his offer.

"I cannot simply let these boys off scot-free, Mr. Malfoy, if that is what you're suggesting, however I will award them each a week of detentions to be served with Professors Black, Lupin, Snape, McGonagall, and Trelawney alternatively. And take fifty points from each of their houses. And besides that, I will let the matter 'drop.'" Dumbledore replied. "Lemon drop?" He queried with a smile as Malfoy senior scowled at him.

"Thank you for giving Harry such a mild punishment, Headmaster." Lily Potter said giving her son a death glare. "James and I will of course make sure he never does such a thing again, won't we James?" Lily asked her husband who responded by grinning evilly and casting a severing spell on both Narcissa and Lucius as they disappeared into the now emerald flames. Sirius quickly followed it up with a color changing hex causing his cousin and cousin's husband to have red and gold striped hair. "James Potter! Sirius Black!" Lily exclaimed. James promptly exchanged a scared look with Sirius and ran out the door of the office with Sirius not far behind. "If you'll excuse Remus and I, Headmaster, we need to go catch those two morons before they hurt themselves." Lily said with an eye roll.

"Headmaster?"

"Yes, Harry?"

"Can we go?"

"Oh…yes, go ahead, but first tell me why won't anyone eat my LEMON DROPS?!" Harry and Draco exchanged fearful looks and fled the room heading to their opposite common rooms to the sounds of Trelawney complaining about their families.

**An hour later…**

James, Lily, Sirius, Remus, Harry, Hermione, and Ron were sitting in Remus' quarters in the castle. Lily and Remus had finished lecturing the group for their abysmal behavior and were recapping the story of their own adventures with Oreos in Trelawney's class. James and Sirius were starting to regain bits of their sanity, not that they had much of it in the first place, and were contributing to the story telling.

**A/N Okay, so, this chapter is finished, but I kind of hate it…let me know what you think of it, review please. I'm going to write the Marauder era chapter of this as well, I've already started it and it should be posted soon.**


	8. Marauader's Era Divination

**A/N I apologize for the wait, my darling readers, you see my hard drive crashed on the computer where this was initially written, thus severely delaying the update for this, however I managed to find the chapter half-finished in an email I had written to myself, and thus I have finished the chapter.**

**Thanks to all Reviewers!**

**Disclaimer: I own nada.**

**Note to do I need a pen name: Margarrrrrrr, you didn't answer your phone, this upsets me. ANSWER YOUR PHONE! I demand you answer it! (Furthermore, you didn't review the last chapter, go back and review it.)**

**Anyway, without further ado, here is the chapter:**

Professor Sybil Trelawney was a simple woman; she liked tea, speaking in a mystic tone, and predicting the early death of James Potter at the hands of a psycho mass murder. She also rather enjoyed it when a class took her seriously, but it wasn't absolutely vital. However, it did rather irk her when they didn't even _pretend_ to listen! She was an _authentic _seer for Merlin's sake. So, today she had planned a lesson that she was sure would get her the respect she deserved! Trelawney heard the voices of her students coming up the silvery ladder, (a present from a "grateful" store owner whose fortune she told, although several students, cough Sirius, cough James cough, were of the opinion that the store owner was hoping the ladder would snap causing Trelawney to fall to her death), and swiftly headed to the dimmest corner of the room waiting to make her extravagant entrance.

"Sibbby, ohhhhhhhhhhh, Sibbbbbbbbbbbby, where are yooooooooooou?" Sirius Black the insufferable Gryffindor who she was certain would end up in jail howled (like a grim! Trelawney was certain that his doglike mannerisms would bode ill for him).

"Hello, class." The "seer" said coming out from the corner and clutching her many shawls tightly around her as she stared out at the mixed class of Slytherins and Gryffindors through eyes magnified to at least eight hundred times their normal size. "Today we shall determine the course your lives will take through a mystical test known as the "Oreo Omen." Trelawney scowled as several muggleborns and halfbloods snickered. The purebloods, namely Sirius Black, James Potter, Frank Longbottom, Lucius Malfoy, Bellatrix Black, Andromeda Black, Regulas Black and Narcissa Black(1), just looked at her as though she were insane (not that this was an unusual occurrence). Lily Evans was currently exchanging an eye roll with fellow prefect Remus Lupin, the two of them, a muggle-born and half-blood respectively, were not Trelawney's biggest fans (they thought she was a right old fraud actually). "Yes!" The Divination professor continued in a loud town to overpower the snickers of those who knew what an "Oreo" was. "…The Oreo is a mystical black circular disk with crème in the center and another black circular disk on top, the manner in which you ingest the Oreo will determine both your personality and your future.'

"What the bloody hell is she going on about now?" Sirius Black hissed put of the corner of his mouth to his friend Remus Lupin who was sitting to his left at the circular table.

"Cookies, Padfoot, she's going to '_tell your future_' using cookies." Remus replied with a sigh his tone revealing his opinions about the entire subject of Divination.

"Everyone step forward and collect your Oreo." The class managed to collect their cookies with little incidence although Sirius 'accidentally' tripped Narcissa, and Bellatrix 'accidentally' spilled a glass of milk on Sirius' head. So, of course Andromeda had to 'accidentally' knocked Regulas backward into a trunk of Trelawney's shawls which lay open in the corner. Of course, the Black children would never do anything to each other on purpose! They were really a close knit group, don't let the glares of hatred confuse you, they like each other…really! In the end Trelawney just placed a bag of Oreos on each table. "I will patrol the room to tell the fortune of each student." Remus rolled his eyes and slumped down on his squishy pink arm chair. Lily Evans patted his arm comfortingly from her spot at the table adjacent to the Marauders' table. James stared at Lily, like a slightly deranged and possibly rabid squirrel, and Sirius grabbed an Oreo and shoved it straight in his mouth.

"Interesting, very interesting indeed." Trelawney crowed swooping down on the group unnoticed. "Do you have any idea what this means Mister Black?"

"Probably that I'm going to be arrested, and die young in a drapery related incident?"

"Ah, while these are all definitely true, that is not the answer I'm looking for." Trelawney replied evidently not picking up on the sarcasm or the fact that James Potter was trying valiantly to contain his laughter by stuffing his fist in his mouth. "The answer, Mister Black, is: "This means you consume life with abandon, you are fun to be with, exciting, carefree with some hint of recklessness. You are totally irresponsible. No one should trust you with their children."

"And that means what exactly?" Sirius questioned raising an eyebrow.

"First, that Miss Evans will never trust you with the son she's going to have with Mister Potter," Lily scowled heavily and gave James her don't-even-think-about-it-Trelawney-is-a-crackpot-old-fool-look. "Second that you will get sent to jail for a crime you didn't commit, and finally…"

"Let me guess he's going to die in a drapery related accident?" Remus questioned rolling his eyes skyward.

"Why, Mister Lupin, I do believe that you are beginning to get in touch with your inner eye!" The druggy, I mean, uh, 'professor' proclaimed proudly as Sirius, James, and Peter erupted into fits of snickering.

"Remmie, I had no idea that you and your inner eye were so close." Sirius exclaimed.

Remus was saved from responding by the sound of Trelawney swooping down on the table where Narcissa, Bellatrix, Lucius Malfoy and Rodolphus Lestrange were sitting. Andromeda and Regulas, the two Slytherins who were not quite Slytherin were sharing the table next to the other Blacks excluding Sirius.

"Do you understand what the manner in which you eat your Oreos suggests about you, my dear?" Trelawney inquired of Bellatrix obviously not realizing that calling Bellatrix 'dear' was a sure way to obtain death or serious injury. "It means that 'your boss likes you because you get your work done quickly. You always have a million things to do and never enough time to do them. Mental breakdowns and suicides run in your family. Valium and Ritalin would do you good.' It also suggests that like your cousin, you will be sent to Azkaban, probably go insane, and die in a battle against a woman with seven kids." Trelawney predicted without waiting for Bellatrix to respond, said girl was currently experiencing a twitch in her eye and seemed to be reaching for her wand only to have Andromeda shoot her a look to quell her anger.

"Hey, Bella, it looks like she's got you pegged." Sirius hissed to his cousin with a smirk.

"You want to say that again, Sirius?" Bella asked through narrowed eyes fingering her wand and looking like she really, really wanted to hex her cousin.

Meanwhile, Trelawney had turned her attention to Narcissa who was decidedly not eating her Oreo. "Dear, you're supposed to be eating your Oreo so that I could tell your future."

"I don't eat Oreos." Narcissa said with disdain.

"Don't worry then, there's a fortune for you, too: "'You probably come from a rich family, and like to wear nice things, and go to up-scale restaurants. You are particular and fussy about the things you buy, own, and wear. Things have to be just right. You like to be pampered. You are a priss.'"

Narcissa scowled at her professor and like Bellatrix and Sirius seemed rather tempted to hex said professor. Blacks weren't known for their gentle disposition and patient attitude after all. Trelawney, having decided that she had spent enough time at Bellatrix and Narcissa's table moved toward Regulus and Andromeda. Both Blacks ate their cookies in the same way, they dunked them.

"Your manner of eating your Oreos suggests that 'Every one likes you because you are always up beat. You like to sugar coat unpleasant experiences and rationalize bad situations into good ones. You are in total denial about the shambles you call a life. You have a propensity towards narcotic addiction.'" Trelawney paused. "I predict that you both will realize that you are unhappy with the lives you currently lead one before the other, the one who escapes their current life first will escape with their life, the other will lose theirs in a tragic incident, however they will die defending the Light."

"How dare you suggest my sister and cousin would abandon the Blacks?" Bellatrix demanded through narrowed eyes.

"Actually, I think that would be the smartest thing they could do." Sirius said glaring at Bellatrix.

"Not everyone's a traitor like _you_." Bellatrix responded venom dripping from her words.

"Stop it, Bella." Narcissa interrupted. "Blacks don't do this in public." She whispered.

"No, I'm going to teach the blood traitor a lesson." Bellatrix responded muttering a curse which Sirius quickly countered. The exchange of curses soon erupted into a full blown duel as the Marauders felt compelled to jump to Sirius' aid prompting everyone at Bella's table to get involved as well.

When it was all said and done, Trelawney's classroom had been completely destroyed, and Trelawney herself was sporting pink hair, purple spotted skin and was looking as though she was moments away from a nervous breakdown.

"OUT! OUT OF MY CLASSROOM! I never want to see any of you here again." Trelawney screamed. The class hurriedly rushed toward the ladder in a mad dash to get away from the obviously unhinged (that is to say more unhinged then usual) Divination professor.

"Who knew Oreo's could be so dangerous?" Sirius asked cheerfully as they strolled toward Gryffindor tower.

**A/N Review, please! Next chapter will either be the Ministry or the Order or just the Auror department or something like that. As always suggestions are welcome. In other news, those of you who read the Twilight Series by Stephenie Meyer, only eight days until Breaking Dawn! woot!**


	9. The Black Family

**A/N Hello, my darling readers, I am extremely sorry for the long wait, I thank you for your patience, and hope you will all forgive me. :)**

**Thanks to all Reviewers!**

**Dedication: To all my lovely reviewers: TwilightFanpireFreak, KenziCullen, madelinesticks, l1ttl3 Sakura, UbiquitousPhantom, do i need a pen name, MarauderetteLily, Shaye Rhymer, Sagesther, 14hp1, Grassy Leaves. Thanks so much.**

**Disclaimer: I own the rights to neither the characters nor Oreos.**

"Are you sure you should've let Sirius go chasing after Bellatrix on his own?" Remus asked James worriedly.

"Er, no, I mean yes, he said they were just going to _talk_ after all," James replied just as an explosion sounded from the second floor where Sirius was currently located along with his cousin Bellatrix Black, her sisters Andromeda and Narcissa, as well as Sirius' brother Regulus.

"And you _believed_ him?" Remus demanded.

"Well…yes, but that is neither here nor there," James replied. "See, I'm thinking we should be less worried about laying blame and more concerned with the fact that the explosion we just heard came from Sirius' general direction.

"Thank you captain obvious." Remus replied sarcastically. James didn't deign to answer him.

The two Marauders headed out of their dormitory and down several flights of stairs until they reached the place where Sirius had planned to meet his family members, if they could be referred to as such.

The second floor corridor looked like a war zone or at the very least a scene out of a bad horror movie.

It was rather difficult to imagine that the scene they were witnessing was caused by five mostly underage wizards and witches.

Remus and James were saved from having to attempt to extricate Sirius from the center of the mayhem by their own head of house Minerva McGonagall who stormed down the hallway at exactly that moment.

"What, may I ask is going on here?" She asked her voice deathly quiet.

"Well, it appears to me that the Sirius and his rather evil family sans Andromeda of course, have been hexing each other and it seems Sirius –I recognize his style anywhere- managed to change Narcissa Black's skin a lovely shade of orange and purple polka dots which doesn't really match if you ask me…"

"Quiet, Potter." McGonagall said. "Mr. Lupin, am I correct in assuming that you and Mr. Potter were not involved in this conflict?"

"Yes, Professor." Remus replied.

"You were however aware that this was going to take place, were you not?"

Remus and James chose not to answer.

"Very well, I shall take ten points from Gryffindor for failing to contact a teacher about a suspected duel, the both of you may return to your common room." McGonagall said sternly waiting until Remus and James were out of sight to speak again. "You five are coming with me, we're going to have a meeting with the headmaster and Professor Slughorn."

This is how the five Black children found themselves seated in the Headmaster's office facing an infuriated McGonagall, a nervous Slughorn (doubtless imagining the implications of offending their parents), and a mildly amused Dumbledore.

"This is the second time this month that the five of you have been fighting," Dumbledore stated plainly his face inscrutable.

"Indeed it is!" McGonagall exclaimed. "And it's clear that detention is not enough to put an end to the family conflict between these five."

And, it seemed the professor was right judging by the delightful pattern to Narcissa's skin, the fact that Sirius' ears had been transfigured into those of a cat, Bellatrix seemed to have a Gryffindor flag permanently stuck to the back of her head, Andromeda's nose now stuck out like Pinnochio's not that any of them got the reference given their lack of muggle knowledge, and Reglus was currently sporting a pig's nose and a long beard that was growing longer as they sat there.

"I do believe you are correct, Minerva, don't you agree, Horace?" Dumbledore inquired.

"Er, I suppose so, Headmaster." Slughorn replied somewhat hesitantly.

"I have the perfect punishment in mind." Dumbledore continued.

"You do?"

"Oh, yes," The headmaster said looking each of the five children in the eyes. "I'm going to fire-call their parents."

The announcement garnered the expected gasps of shock and dismay from each of the Blacks.

"I'd rather have detention," Sirius proclaimed.

"I'm sure that you would," Dumbledore replied. "However, _this_ Mr. Black, is not a matter which is subject to negotiation, therefore, Minerva, Horace, if you would so kindly escort these five to the staff room; I shall fire-call their parents and see if we cannot get them to Hogwarts for an immediate meeting."

"Of course, Headmaster," McGonagall and Slughorn said together before leading the five students out of the room.

-Scene Jump-

To say that Walburga Black was displeased would be a vast understatement, she was you could say on the verge of a murderous rampage. And, who might you ask was the unfortunate target of her ire? None other then Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore. He had summoned her, Orion, Cygnus, and Druella to Hogwarts to discuss an important manner regarding the recent behavior of their children. He had been rather vague, so of course they had been obliged to go to Hogwarts and sort out whatever it was the Headmaster was concerned about.

Walburga was willing to bet her cursed piano and best set of strangling dress robes that it was Sirius who was the cause of all this trouble. The boy was only a second year and already he was on the fast track toward becoming a blood traitor, he would need to be dealt with, alas, this was a manner for another time as the Headmaster had finally deigned to show up and lead the Black family to the staff room which he had emptied of professors for the occasion. She noticed that Sirius, Regulus, Bellatrix, Andromeda, and Narcissa were all already seated at various spots at the conference table. Andromeda and Sirius were seated next to each other which didn't surprise her in the least, she was certain that those two were the most dangerous to the family name out of the lot. Unlike dear Bellatrix, who was the perfect example of what a Black ought to be, if you asked Walburga (which few people did).

"I'm glad you could make it," Dumbledore said cheerfully. "As you can see your children have been having a bit of a disagreement as of late and we, their professors and I that is, felt that it would be best if we talked with their parents and tried to get to the root of their issues, given that you're all family…and a very closely knit one I'm certain." He continued ignoring Sirius' snort of disbelief.

Walburga blinked and looked at the Black children again and noticed what she hadn't at first glance, which was: Bellatrix's skin had turned pink and a hideous, ostentatious Gryffindor flag seemed to be stuck to her hair, and poor Narcissa (who now that Walburga thought about it had been hiding her face when they first came in the room) had her face covered in red and gold pimples in addition to the rest of her skin which was purple and orange, Andromeda had hair which was half red and half green (Walburga was willing to bet the girl had tried to get in between Sirius and Bellatrix) as well as a nose which was a foot long and still growing, Regulus had a pig's nose and a long neon green beard, while Sirius had cat's ears and the words blood traitor shaved into the back of his head, and his previously black hair was now silver making him look as though he were prematurely aging (she was sure this would upset him greatly as Sirius and Narcissa were similar in that they were both rather obsessed with their appearance).

"Therefore, I've reached the conclusion that all of you need to reach a better understanding of each others thoughts, feelings, and personalities, and how better to do this then with a quiz which is specifically tailored to reveal one's most base personality?" Dumbledore concluded.

"And, pray tell us, _Headmaster, _what exactly is this quiz about?" Druella asked disdainfully.

"Well, Mrs. Black, or may I call you Druella seeing as how we seem to have multiple Mrs. Blacks here?"

"Druella is fine." Said woman replied, although the look on her face said otherwise.

"Indeed, anyway, Druella, the quiz is about Oreos."

"And, what exactly is an Oreo?" Walburga inquired.

"Why, it is a rather delightful muggle cookie, it is chocolate on the outside, and filled with a white crème filling." Dumbledore exclaimed whilst McGonagall fought the urge to hit her head repeatedly against the nearest hard surface.

"Not this again," Bellatrix exclaimed disdainfully thinking back to their recent 'adventure' with the cookies in their Divination class.

"You will keep quiet Ms. Black." McGonagall commanded. Bellatrix fought the urge to glare at the professor (unsuccessfully).

"Alright, seeing as how we are in agreement, Minerva would you kindly summon a house-elf to bring us the cookies?" Dumbledore inquired.

"Of course, Headmaster."

McGonagall was gone for several minutes during which time the various members of the Black family sat and glared at each other. Upon her return she set the package of Oreos she had procured from the kitchens down in the center of the table with several glasses of milk.

"Lovely," Dumbledore said. "Now we can begin, I ask each of you to take a cookie and a glass of milk, and then we shall analyze how your method of eating the Oreos effect your personalities,"

None of the Blacks seemed inclined to obey his instructions; rather they all stared at him incredulously as though expecting him to tell them that this was all some kind of joke and move onto discussing punishments or something similar. However, Dumbledore was not in fact joking, and after awhile they seemed to catch on or at least Sirius did because the sole Gryffindor in the family grabbed an Oreo from the package and shoved the entire thing in his mouth. Walburga and Druella simultaneously gasped in shock.

"Sirius, I did not send you to comportment lessons since you where three to have you shoving cookies in your mouth in such an ill-bred fashion." Walburga exclaimed in shock.

"No, you sent me to comportment lessons in the hope that the tutor would beat the rebellious streak out of me." Sirius replied evenly.

"Hold your tongue, boy." Orion Black ordered. "You won't speak to your mother like that."

"Let's analyze Sirius' Oreo eating method, shall we?" Slughorn inquired eager to avoid an argument amongst the family.

"Yes," Dumbledore said nodding his head vigorously in blatant agreement with Slughorn's suggestion. "Minerva, if you would be so kind as to…?"

"Of course, Headmaster." McGonagall replied reading aloud the appropriate description. "This means you consume life, you are fun to be with, exciting, carefree with some hint of recklessness. You are totally irresponsible. No one should trust you with their children."

"Now, let's discuss how this might factor into your family's relationship, shall we?" Dumbledore inquired.

"That boy has always been reckless, Headmaster," Walburga complained. "We've tried and tried to knock some sense into him, but so far, we've been unsuccessful, which if you ask me is due to his continued presence in Gryffindor house,"

"We've had this discussion before, Walburga, the decisions of the Sorting Hat are final." Dumbledore said patiently.

"If you ask me what that child needs is some more discipline," Cygnus broke in. "You've let him have far too much free will, Orion."

The look on Sirius' face seemed to indicate that he thought his uncle had either hit his head or was on some sort of drugs, because the last thing his parents were inclined to give their "bad" child was freedom.

"Now, now, let's all calm down," Slughorn intoned.

"Indeed," Dumbledore replied. "We're supposed to be discussing why the personality's of your children do not mesh well together, which means one of your other children should eat an Oreo, how about you, Narcissa?"

"I don't eat Oreos." Narcissa said wrinkling her nose up in distaste.

"Quite right, Narcissa, darling." Druella said smiling at her second-oldest child fondly. "My Narcissa would never eat such a filthy snack."

"Am I to assume, that you don't eat Oreos either?" Dumbledore asked.

"Yes." Druella replied succinctly in a tone which in a less well-bred person would've been said to have an implied _duh _at the end.

"Never fear, however, for there is a result for that as well, Horace would you be so kind as to read it aloud for Druella and Narcissa?"

"You probably come from a rich family, and like to wear nice things, and go to up-scale restaurants. You are particular and fussy about the things you buy, own, and wear. Things have to be just right. You like to be pampered. You are a prima donna. There's just no pleasing you. Why are you here with us little people?" Slughorn recited. "Not that I am displeased by your company, Mrs. Black, it is quite an honor to be in your company," He added in his typical suck-up to rich and famous people fashion.

"They've sure got you pegged, Cissy." Sirius hissed at his cousin across the table.

"Shut it, Sirius," Narcissa responded snobbishly. "At least I'll live to see twenty."

"Now, now, children," Dumbledore scolded. "Now why do we think that Narcissa and Sirius have a hard time getting along?"

"Because he's a waste of oxygen?" Bellatrix suggested.

"Any other suggestions?" Dumbledore asked calmly. "No? Well, I personally think that Sirius, being reckless and impulsive clashes with Narcissa's more particular nature, they seem to be highly opposite, he likes to jump in without thinking and Narcissa is very fussy about everything, this is probably the cause of their frequent disagreements, wouldn't you agree?"

Narcissa and Sirius both looked like they had a rather different opinion from the Headmaster's and they probably would've been inclined to share their ideas on the subject if McGonagall hadn't skillfully stepped in and suggested that one of the other children perhaps, Regulus, should eat an Oreo."

The first year seemingly eager to avoid further conflict amongst his family members grabbed an Oreo and dunked it in his milk before taking a bite out of it.

"You're a dunker, are you?" Dumbledore mused. "That means that: 'every one likes you because you are always up beat. You like to sugar coat unpleasant experiences and rationalize bad situations into good ones. You are in total denial about the shambles you call a life. You have a propensity towards narcotic addiction.'"

"That's Reggie for you, a drug-addict if I ever saw one," Sirius mused.

"Mr. Black!" McGonagall exclaimed sounding scandalized.

"Interesting," Dumbledore pondered. "It seems to me that Regulus is what I would call a 'people-pleaser,' he doesn't want to upset anyone which is probably why he ends up conflicting with his cousins and brother because he doesn't know what side to take and probably gets pushed in the middle a lot, I bet you're a dunker too, right, Andromeda?"

"Yes, actually…" The girl replied.

"That would explain her hideous hair." Druella said looking at her middle child's locks with obvious disdain. "Is this going to take much longer, Headmaster? Because I want my children to have their appearance fixed as soon as possible."

"I'm sure that you do, Druella," Dumbledore replied. "Well, since you're in a hurry let's move on shall we? Walburga? Bellatrix? How do you eat your Oreos?"

Walburga and Bellatrix both seemed less than inclined to do anything the 'muggle-loving old fool' suggested and would've been quite content to just sit there and ignore him if not for their lack of desire to be considered the same as Narcissa and Druella.

Both of the (scariest and most insane) Black women (in history) took an Oreo and hexed off the filling before eating only the outside of the cookie.

"…Interesting." Dumbledore mused more to himself than anyone else. "Though not entirely shocking." He continued under his breath.

"Well…?" Bellatrix prompted impatiently.

"It means that you enjoy pain…" The headmaster replied after a pause.

"There's a shocker…" Sirius hissed quietly. Meanwhile, Andromeda fought to hide a grin at the remark.

"Hold your tongue, Sirius." Walburga reprimanded catching the whispered remark.

"…I'm sure this aspect of the quiz is quite wrong," Slughorn jumped in. "I've never known a girl as kind as Miss Bellatrix."

Sirius and Andromeda shared incredulous glances with each other at this remark.

"Oh, yes, Sluggy, Bella is just such a dear, sweet girl, could hardly hurt a fly…" Sirius remarked caustically.

"Shut your mouth, boy." Orion Black commanded.

"You see, Headmaster, the boy has always been rather rude, I've tried and tried to break him of the habit but he insists upon behaving in such a manner…" As Walburga droned on and on about how he was ill-behaved Sirius mouthed the words of her lecture (one he had heard at least two dozen times in the last three months) with exaggerated facial expressions behind her back while both Andromeda and Regulus struggled for laughter. And if the slight twitch at the corner of McGonagall's mouth was any indication she too was at least slightly amused by his antics.

"Yes, yes, I'm aware of your feelings in regards to Sirius," Dumbledore said waving away her words. "Let's move on shall we, Orion, Cygnus, how do you eat your Oreo cookies?"

Orion ate his cookies by ingesting only the inside of the Oreo and vanishing the rest of the cookie whereas Cygnus chose to eat his in several small quick bites.

"Let's see…" Dumbledore started. "Orion, according to this quiz you, "are good at business and take risks that pay off. You take what you want and throw the rest. You are greedy, selfish, mean, and lack feelings for others. You should be ashamed of yourself. But that's ok, you don't care, you got yours." He paused. "How do we feel this affects your family dynamic?"

The Blacks stared back at him in stony silence none of them deigning to respond, or in Sirius' case he was too busy pondering how he had ended up in such an insanity-ridden family to bother responding.

"Well then, I think that your concern with work is making you seem unapproachable to Sirius and Regulus, is that correct, boys?" Dumbledore asked.

Regulus spared one glance at the barely concealed look of hate on his father's face and quickly shook his head whilst Sirius shook his head as well, only he did it because he was pretty sure it was the fact that his father was prone to hexing anyone who angered him into a painful oblivion that made him unapproachable and not his concern for work.

"Furthermore-" Dumbledore continued as though both boys had announced their vehement agreement with his theory. "I think that both your children and your nieces would benefit if you spent more time with them, I believe that taking a more active role in their lives will help diffuse some of the tension they've felt recently."

Orion felt disinclined to respond to this and instead remained pointedly silent until the headmaster moved onto reading Cygnus' evaluation.

"Cygnus, this says that you: "Your boss likes you because you get your work done quickly. You always have a million things to do and never enough time to do them. Mental breakdowns run in your family. Valium and Ritalin would do you good." Dumbledore recited. "Incidentally I have noticed that mental breakdowns do seem to frequently occur within your family but that is neither here nor there."

"Indeed?" Cygnus inquired.

"Quite." Dumbledore replied. "The point is that you like Orion are spending too much time on other things. You have a million things to worry about and this is causing your children to be left by the wayside. Far be it for me to criticize your parenting methods but I think that all of your children would benefit from you spending some more time with them."

"We'll keep that in mind." Druella promised looking as though she had no such plans. However, Dumbledore was content with this response.

"If that is all, headmaster, we must be going, this was certainly a most _illuminating_ discussion." Walburga added.

"Certainly, you may leave if you would like. I shall stay but a few moments longer to assign punishments to the children and then I shall send them off to have Madame Promfrey deal with them." Dumbledore replied serenely.

The headmaster waited until the four adult blacks had left the room before turning back to the children.

"I think, as I have always thought, that Hogwarts is a community, and the best way to stop conflicts within that community is to make sure that each member is held accountable to the whole, therefore I shall take twenty-five points from each of you, making that twenty-five points from Gryffindor, and one hundred points from Slytherin." Dumbledore began causing all five Black children to groan at his words. "Furthermore," He continued on despite Sirius' hissed 'there's _more_?' "_Furthermore_, the five of you will attend family bonding sessions once a week for the rest of the school year, I've just gotten off the phone with a delightful mind-healer who holds these wonderful team-building retreats for teenagers, I'm sure you will have a most splendid time."

The five teenagers looked like they would rather chew glass than spend any further time in each other's presence.

"Anyway, you may all be off to the hospital wing now, hopefully, Madame Promfrey will be able to fix you all otherwise I'm sure you will take a most valuable lesson away from this." Dumbledore finished, at his words all five of the Black children sprang from their seats and rushed out of the room.

"…do you think these team-building exercises will work, Headmaster?" McGonagall inquired once they were gone.

"Certainly not, Minerva, however I do believe it will be rather amusing, you see Healer Terry specializes in activities such as having them build a bridge out of blocks by hand together while remaining completely silent and also navigating mazes while blindfolded with only another person from your group to guide you."

"…" Sometimes, McGonagall found, it was just better not to ask.

**A/N Review please, I have an idea for the next chapter which will take place at the Ministry so it will be out soonish. As always your suggestions are more than welcome.**


	10. The First Order of the Phoenix

**A/N Hello, my dear readers, I am sincerely sorry for the long wait but updates shall become much faster iwth the new schedule which I shall attempt to stick to.**

**Thanks to all Reviewers!**

**Dedication: To TeamKillingFTard, who's review I found to be highly awesome.**

**Disclaimer: I own nada.**

"Let's try to have a sense of order, everyone." McGonnagall ordered attempting to quiet down the Order members.

"Sense of Order. That's funny, Minnie." Sirius cackled.

"Excuse me?" His former transfiguration professor questioned. "And, while you no longer need to refer to me as Professor McGonnagall, I do wish that you would call me Minerva."

Sirius waved off her complaint and turned to his girlfriend, Marlene and indicated that she should explain the joke that Minnie was clearly missing out on.

"You see, it's like this, we're the Order of Phoenix, and you told us to have a sense of order. Get it?" Marlene said joining Sirius in his semi-hysterical laughter.

"Remus, I thought I told you to keep them away from the coffee?" Lily Evans Potter admonished. "I have enough trouble keeping track of James and Harry." She said nodding to her husband who was currently ignoring the entire conversation and ostensibly entertaining Harry with the multi-colored bubbles that were emerging from his wand-tip, although it seemed as though James was actually more amused than the baby.

"Looking after these two is a full time job, I'll have you know." Remus replied. "And, they have shall we say very effective ways of getting rid of unwanted visitors."

Sirius and Marlene strove to look innocent in response to this comment.

"Let's just move on, shall we?" McGonnagall asked wearily.

"Yes, let's." Gideon Prewett agreed. "We really need to discuss the sad lack of humor presented by members of the order when facing death eaters."

Minerva blinked in response to this and stared at the first Prewett twin as though he had fallen and hit his head or inhaled dangerous fumes of some sort, which was really not at all unlikely really.

"Honestly, do we have to act like we're facing death every time we fight them?" Fabian jumped in. "I think a little extra humor perhaps the odd hair-color changing jinx would be extremely beneficial, lighten up the mood, you know?"

"Do you know what would really lighten things up around here?" Benjy Fenwick inquired.

"What?" His best friend Caradoc Dearborn, who was known to hang out with the likes of Remus and Dorcas Meadows, asked warily.

"An Order of the Phoenix talent show!" Benjy replied.

"I like it, I like it a lot." Sirius agreed. "I knew there was something I liked about you, Fenwick." He continued approvingly.

The transfiguration mistress began to fervently wish for Dumbledore to show up at the meeting and restore some sense of decorum to the rapidly deteriorating state of affairs. A few minutes after the headmaster's belated arrival she would be wishing they could revisit the talent show idea.

"Thank Merlin, you're finally here." She greeted Dumbledore upon his arrival.

"Yes, I am. And we have very important business to discuss." He said, causing the Ravenclaw order members like Caradoc and Emmeline to give sighs of relief, as well as the more, uh, business/organizational conscious Gryffindors like Minerva, Remus, Lily, Dorcas.

"What's on the agenda today, Professor?" Lily asked.

"Recruitment, ferreting out spies-" Remus listed off, noticing that Peter looked rather nervous at the mention of the last possible activity, but then Peter always looked rather nervous, so Remus shrugged it off.

"Better." Dumbledore replied.

"Defensive Spells?" Emmeline Vance suggested.

"We are going to eat Oreos."

As one the Order of the Phoenix gaped at the Headmaster, either because they had no idea what an Oreo was or because they thought he'd been inhaling too many potion fumes.

"It is said that if you know your enemies and know yourself, you will not be imperiled in a hundred battles; if you do not know your enemies but do know yourself, you will win one and lose one; if you do not know your enemies nor yourself, you will be imperiled in every single battle." Dumbledore recited.

"Sun Tzu, The Art of War." Remus identified promptly.

"Wow, Remmie." Sirius said. "I never thought one person could be so nerdy, you even beat Vance and Dearborn, they'll probably cry themselves to sleep tonight."

Emmeline shot him a withering look.

"You know you love me, Vance." Sirius called down the table, blowing a kiss to the Ravenclaw witch, which prompted Marlene to slap him over the head with a rolled up copy of Witch Weekly.

"Keep your eyes over here, Black."

"Ooh, last name, someone's in _trouble_." James said in a sing-song voice.

"Yes, dear." Sirius replied leaning over to kiss Marlene lightly on the lips before pulling out his wand and using it to gain his revenge on his so-called best friend.

"I really must protest." James began. "This rhyming will give me no rest."

"Let's try to stick to the task at hand, shall we?" Minerva asked, ignoring the now Dr. Suess-esque James. "I'm afraid, I don't understand how consuming a cookie is going to help us know ourselves better."

"You see, based on how you eat Oreos your true personality is revealed." Dumbledore explained. "Thus, we will achieve a better understanding of ourselves, which will allow us to defeast our enemy."

"That seems interesting." Minerva replied diplomatically. By which she meant: 'the sooner we finish with this crackpot scheme the sooner we can move on to more important business.'

Dumbledore waved his wand and several packs of Oreos, along with enough glasses of milk for every order member appeared on the table. "Now who wants to go first?" Dumbledore asked beaming at everyone.

"Why don't you go first, Headmaster?" Marlene suggested.

"An excellent suggestion, my dear girl." Dumbledore replied. He waved a glass of milk and an Oreo over to him and proceeded to dunk the cookie. "Minerva if you would be so kind as to read us the description...?"

"Every one likes you because you are always up beat. You like to sugar coat unpleasant experiences and rationalize bad situations into good ones. You are in total denial about the shambles you call a life. You have a propensity towards narcotic addiction."

"I wonder if lemon drops count as a narcotic." Marlene mused, which incited some intense discussion before Minerva silenced them all with her most stern glare, ie. the one she reserved for joint classes of seventh year Gryffindors and Slytherins.

"Now what does this teach us about me that can be useful in fighting Voldemort?" Dumbledore inquired ignoring the flinches of several members.

Meanwhile, about half of the members began feverishly trying to answer his question, while the others (James, Sirius, Marlene, and the Prewett twins) transfigured their cookies into mini-warriors and attacked each other with them.

"That your tendency to sugar-coat how bad the situation is might lead to unpleasant effects later on." Dorcas suggested.

"Right you are." Dumbledore replied. "Now that we've moved closer to understanding my flaws, let's move on, we'll go counterclockwise around the table shall we? Elphias, you're up." Elphias as it turned out consumed his in small quick bites.

"Your boss likes you because you get your work done quickly. You always have a million things to do and never enough time to do them. Mental breakdowns and suicides run in your family. Valium and Ritalin would do you good." This time it was Emmeline who read off the description, Minerva having turned her attention to stopping the Oreo cookie battle.

They spent several minutes discussing Elphias before moving on Dedalus Diggle, who shared Dumbledore's dunking habit. Then, they moved on to Emmeline, who ceded the task of reading off the descriptions to Dorcas.

Emmeline who took slow, meticulous bites (to the point where Sirius called for her to hurry up before he died of boredom), earned the following description: "You follow the rules. You're very tidy and orderly. You're very meticulous in every detail with every thing you do to the point of being anal retentive and irritating to others. Stay out of the fast lane if you're only going to go the speed limit."

"Now what is the problem with this personality type?" Dumbledore asked the room at large.

"Well, it could prevent anything from getting done due to it's extreme slowness in decision making." Sirius piped in, momentarily turning his attention away form his Oreo cookie battle, for the sake of tormenting Emmaline which was one of his favorite tasks in life.

"Let's move on shall we?" McGonnagall suggested, because if she had learned one thing from her seven years of teaching Emmeline and Sirius it was that any battle between the two of them needed to be nipped in the bud. "Prewetts one and two your next." She ordered.

Gideon and Fabian looked as though they resented being referred to in such a way, as well as being interrupted mid-battle, but they sighed and seized an oreo and proceeded to, in freakish unison, to twist apart the cookie and eat the inside and than the cookie.

"You have a highly curious nature. You take pleasure in breaking things apart to find out how they work, though not always able to put them back together, so you destroy all the evidence of your activities. You deny your involvement when things go wrong. You are a compulsive liar and exhibit deviant, if not criminal, behavior." Caradoc recited. "Your turn Benjy." He informed his best friend. "This means you consume life with abandon; you are fun to be with, exciting, carefree with some hint of recklessness. You are totally irresponsible. No one should trust you with their children." He rolled his eyes at this description of his best friend although he could find no fault with it.

"You too, Fenwick?" Sirius inquired, demonstrating their similarity by shoving an entire Oreo in his mouth exactly as Benjy had done a few moments earlier.

"You're getting out of order." Caradoc complained.

"Now what can be the problem with this personality type?" Dumbledore asked.

"People with that level of recklessness may be prone to jumping in headfirst without thinking." Emmeline said, gaining revenge for Sirius' earlier remarks. The two were actually friends, deep down, deep, deep down.

"Let's move, shall we?" Cardoc requested. "Frank, how do you eat your Oreos?"

"I just eat them." Frank replied, demonstrating by simply biting into his cookie.

"You are lucky to be one of the 5.4 billion other people who eat their Oreos this very same way. Just like them, you lack imagination, but that's okay, not to worry, you're normal" (1).

Frank shrugged at this description and reached for another Oreo, turning his attention back to watching the ongoing battle which now included forts for the oreo soldiers to hide out in.

"Alice, you're next." Alice as it turned out was a dunker prompting Caradoc to read off the following description: "Every one likes you because you are always up beat. You like to sugar coat unpleasant experiences and rationalize bad situations into good ones. You are in total denial about the shambles you call a life. You have a propensity towards narcotic addiction."

Alice had been notorious as the mediator in the Gryffindor girl's dormitory in the Marlene and Dorcas vs. Lily and Mary battles that had gone on for several years, due to Marlene's close friendship with Sirius and James who Lily was less than fond of to say the least (2).

Dorcas and Remus, next in line both reached for an Oreo at the same time and promptly retracted their hands, turning bright red and prompting Sirius and James (who had just gotten the rhyming spell off) to launch into a song which went thus: "Dorcas and Remus sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G, first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby in the baby carriage."

They responded by causing it to begin raining only above Sirius and James, and the rain seemed to bounce off the floor and another surfaces only making the two Marauders wet. Harry, also seemed to be immune to the rain as although he was sitting on James' lap he did not get wet.

Dumbledore cheerfully ignored this chaos and motioned for Caradoc to read off the description for Remus and Dorcas: "You follow the rules. You're very tidy and orderly. You're very meticulous in every detail with every thing you do to the point of being anal retentive and irritating to others. Stay out of the fast lane if you're only going to go the speed limit." Sirius rolled his eyes at Remus for his cookie eating result.

"Hey, Caradoc!" Marlene said suddenly.

"Yeah?" He asked cautiously. He had learned that proceeding with caution was a wise move when dealing with Marlene.

"Remember back during first year when we were partners in Charms?" Marlene asked and continued without waiting for his response. "And I asked you if you had ever fed carrots to a deer, on account of your name sounding like carrot?"

"Unfortunately." He replied.

"You never answered my question. Have you ever?"

"Ever what?" He asked.

"Fed carrots to a deer." Marlene said in an exasperated tone.

"No, can't say that I have."

"We really need to fix that one of these days, you know James has a special affinity with deers." Marlene informed him. James glared at her from beneath his raincloud.

"We'll get right on that." Caradoc assured her. "Now how do you eat your Oreo?" He asked.

"Same as James." Marlene replied.

"You have a highly curious nature. You take pleasure in breaking things apart to find out how they work, though not always able to put them back together, so you destroy all the evidence of your activities. You deny your involvement when things go wrong. You are a compulsive liar and exhibit deviant, if not criminal, behavior."

"I am not a compulsive liar." She protested.

"What do you call that time during seventh year when you orchestrated that scheme to sneak Sirius into Disney World by pretending to blind yourself?" Remus asked.

"Okay first of all, I did not pretend to blind myself. I _actually_ blinded myself. Second of all being a compulsive liar makes it seem like I just lie every time I speak, I only lie for very specific and important reasons (3)." Marlene argued.

"You blinded yourself on purpose?" McGonnagall shrieked.

"Um. No?" Marlene asked more than stated.

"Now, now, Minnie, it was all for the greater good." Sirius defended.

"Trapping Professor Jenson and I on a field trip to Disney World with the most ill-behaved combination of students that ever hit Hogwarts?" McGonnagall inquired.

"Oh, that was her name?" James asked.

"You see back during third year we weren't paying any attention when she told us that information because we were busy..." Sirius stopped speaking abruptly. "Maybe it's best you don't hear what we were doing." (Which happened to be telling Peeves the password to the Slytherin dormitory, one of the many crimes they had been suspected of without evidence).

"And, after that it just seemed too late to ask." Marlene finished.

"Perhaps, we should just wrap this meeting up." Dumbledore suggested taking in the vein throbbing in Minerva's forehead and the general destruction permeating the room from the soaking wet Sirius and James to the scattered remains of Oreo soldiers.

"That's the best suggestion he's had all day." Dorcas muttered to Remus.

"I feel we've made some excellent progress, however, we will continue with this quest to know ourselves better in future meetings." Dumbledore said.

"Oh great." McGonnagall said under her breath.

"What was that, Minerva?"

"I said, can't wait." She replied before fleeing the room along with the rest of the order members.

**A/N In compliance with my new updating schedule this story will be updated every Monday.**

**(1) I've always viewed Frank as just sort of an normal, sort of dependable guy, albeit an exceptionally talented wizard.**

**(2) For more on the early school years of the Marauders as well as the Lily vs. Marlene dynamic read our story: Si Fecisti Nega! If you did it, deny it!: http : / www . fanfiction . net /s / 4276228 /1/ Si _ fecisti _ nega _ If _ you _ did _ it _ deny _ it **

**Simply remove the spaces.**

**(3) On the fake blindness incident read our story Muggle Studies: **

** http :/ www . fanfiction . net /s/ 3977089 /1/ Muggle_Studies**

**Both of these stories are housed under the account SiRiUsLyPiNkAnDgReEn**

**And, finally for more on Marlene and her awesomeness check out my newest story: The Life and Times of Marlene McKinnon.**

**Review!**


	11. The Slytherins

****

**A/N Hello, my lovely reviewers, I have returned with an update for you all!**

Thanks to all Reviewers!

Dedication: to GinnyPotterCullen my 150th reviewer.

Disclaimer: I own nada.

"Silence." Professor Severus Snape demanded of his house who had been engaged in numerous conversations prior to his entering the common room. Upon being granted the desired silence he continued speaking. "The headmaster feels," He began looking as though he had been forced to swallow a particularly sour lemon. "That we should learn to understand each other better by analyzing our individual personalities through the use of this infernal device." Snape explained his lip curling in disdain as he stared around the Slytherin common room.

"This school is going to the dogs." Draco Malfoy announced from his position in the center of the third year Slytherins.

Snape ignored this comment and forced himself to continue on. "You will each take an oreo, eat it in your desired manner, and then report to the group on how you eat the blasted thing, we will discuss it, and with some luck complete this odious task before we all die of old age." Snape sometimes thought that Dumbledore came up with these assignments just to laugh at his staff as they were forced to carry out his ridiculous orders.

"Is he at least forcing the Gryffindorks to do this as well?" Pansy Parkinson demanded.

"Yes, Miss Parkinson, the other houses are participating in this evaluation as well." Snape replied.

"Professor, my team has the Quidditch pitch booked right now, we really can't afford to miss our practice." Marcus Flint protested.

"Unfortunately, it does not fall on me to overrule the headmaster." Snape said with a sneer. "However, I will book you the pitch for this evening." Which just happened to be when the Gryffindor team held their practice, not that Snape was doing it on purpose or anything. Severus Snape was deeply concerned with promoting fairness and equality between the houses. And, if you believed that Mundungus Fletcher has some indestructible cauldrons he would love to sell you.

"Let's start with the first years." Snape decided. "Greengrass, you're first."

"But, Professor there are two Greengrasses." Goyle noted.

"Which is why I said we would be beginning with the first years, Mr. Goyle." If Snape were a lesser man he would have resorted to hitting his head against the wall by now. "Astoria Greengrass, how do you eat the cookie?" He demanded.

"I don't eat Oreos, Professor." Astoria exclaimed earning several nods of approval from her fellow aristocratic purebloods. "My ancestors would roll over in their graves at the very idea."

"Fortunately, or unfortunately as the case may be, there is a category for that as well: You probably come from a rich family, and like to wear nice things, and go to up-scale restaurants. You are particular and fussy about the things you buy, own, and wear. Things have to be just right. You like to be pampered. You are a prima donna. There's just no pleasing you. Why are you here with us little people?" Snape recited dully, clearly bored with this entire process.

They progressed through the remaining first years relatively quickly with only a few minor incidents ie. some fifth years attempting to escape, a second and third year attacking each other, and a seventh year begging Snape just to put her out of her misery before she was forced to listen to anymore of this.

"Harper you're next." Snape said calling on the Slytherin reserve player.

"I dunk them, sir." Harper replied which caused mutual shouts of dismay from Draco and Astoria who were shocked that he was willing to actually eat the cookie.

After giving the future aristocratic couple a quelling look Snape read off the description for Harper: "Every one likes you because you are always up beat. You like to sugar coat unpleasant experiences and rationalize bad situations into good ones. You are in total denial about the shambles you call a life. You have a propensity towards narcotic addiction." He paused to let this sink in. "What did we learn children?"

"That we should sell addictive products to Harper?" Pansy suggested.

"No." Snape replied.

This set off some heated conversation amongst the Slytherins who weren't really certain what else they should have taken away from the description.

"That we should write a strongly worded letter to his parents expressing our dismay that he would actually ingest such a horrible food item if it can even be deemed as such?" Draco inquired.

"...Let's just move on shall we?" Snape said with a scowl as he imagined shoving oreos down the headmaster's throat and shouting 'how much do you like them now, old man?' "Let's discuss the third years, who's next...Bulstrode." He decided after a pause.

Millicent, best known for her love of cats and inflicting pain on small children, replied that she ate only the cookie and then the inside.

"You enjoy pain." Snape stated. Theodore Nott who announced he ate his cookies the same way reached over and offered Millicent a high five. "Mr. Malfoy, I do believe we have established that you don't eat Oreos-"

"Damn right, I don't." Draco muttered to the people near him.

"-So we will move on." Snape continued. "Parkinson, you're up."

"I eat the inside, and toss the cookie." Pansy replied.

"You are good at business and take risks that pay off. You take what you want and throw the rest away. You are greedy, selfish, mean, and lack feelings for others. You should be ashamed of yourself. But that's okay, you don't care, you got yours." Snape knew there was something he liked about that Parkinson girl, she was clearly his kindred spirit, he would have to remember to take points off the next Gryffindor she provoked.

"Davis, you're next." Snape decided.

Tracey Davis, one of the only non-purebloods in Slytherin house, being a half-blood replied that she dunked her oreos, prompting Snape to say he wouldn't waste time rereading the description, and told the room that she matched Harper. Blaise informed his professor that he too dunked the cookies.

Which of course set off a whole other round of people offering to sell them various addictive products.

"Greengrass, I assume that you also don't eat Oreos?" Snape questioned the elder Greengrass sister.

"You assume correctly, Professor." Daphne answered in an arch tone.

"And you Crabbe?" Snape asked.

"I lick them." Crabbe announced and then demonstrated the feat, which prompted squeals of horror from the Greengrass sisters and Draco.

"Stay away from small furry creatures, and seek help immediately." Snape recited. "What does this tell us?" He asked.

"That we should capture small creatures and give them to Crabbe?" Nott suggested.

"...Somehow I don't think that's the answer the Headmaster will be looking for." Snape mused. "But good enough." He added with a shrug. "Goyle you're up."

"I just bite them." Goyle replied.

"You are lucky to be one of the 5.4 billion other people who eat their Oreo's this very same way. Just like them, you lack imagination, but that's ok, not to worry, you're normal." Snape recited. "Now let's get on to the forth years shall we?" Snape said beginning to feel a migraine pounding at his temples. "Montague, you're first."

"I take quick bites." He replied.

"Your boss likes you because you get your work done quickly. You always have a million things to do and never enough time to do them. Mental break downs run in your family. Valium and Ritalin would do you good." The much put-upon Potions master recited. "And now onto you, Warrington."

"I enjoy pain, same as Nott." He replied.

"That saves time." Snape commended. He'd have to find the boy some first year Hufflepuffs to torment as a reward. "Pucey, you're next."

"I dunk them same as Davis and Harper." Pucey replied.

Snape really loved his house sometimes, like right now when they were facilitating his efforts to get the hell out of the room as fast as possible so he could right a formal complaint to the Headmaster, which he would probably never read, but Snape would right anyway just to make himself feel better. "Alright, let's move on to the fifth years." Snape said after going through a few more forth years. "Bole, you're up."

"I just eat them."

"Congratulations, you're normal." Snape said dryly. "You're up, Derrick."

"Same as Bole."

Snape could have hugged him. But he wouldn't. Because Severus Snape did not, repeat did not, hug anyone, ever. And, he most certainly did not hug half the population of Hogwarts including the Marauder's during his school-years while under the influence of a potion (1). After finishing up with the fifth years, Snape moved on to the sixth years. "Bletchley, you're up."

"I eat the inside, toss the cookie." He replied.

"Basically, you're completely self-interested, just like our dear Pansy." Blaise Zabini said waving his professor on to the next person.

"Speaking of which, would you like one of these completely non-addictive sweets?" Pansy inquired offering the Oreo-dunker a most-definitely addictive product. "Only one sickle each."

"...No thanks." Blaise responded.

While they were engaged in this conversation Snape managed to finish with the sixth years and get nearly through the seventh years. "Flint, you're up, and make it quick, you're the last one."

"I only eat the cookie." Flint replied, garnering the response that he like nearly one-forth of the Slytherins enjoyed pain above all other personality qualities. Which considering his love of tormenting Oliver Wood, the Quidditch obsessed captain of the Gryffindor team was really no surprise.

"Now, if you would all be so kind, let's pretend this fun, fun occurrence never occurred." Snape suggested.

"...Agreed."

****

A/N Sorry this is a little late, but it was my birthday on Tuesday so I really didn't get my updating done, and then my whole schedule fell behind, lol. Anyway, this story will be updated next Monday. I'm running out of stuff to right about so suggestions would be welcomed.


	12. The Gryffindors

**A/N Hello, everyone, and welcome to this latest installment of HDYEYOC I apologize for the lateness of this update.**

**Thanks to all Reviewers!**

**Dedication: to The Glowing Mischief.**

**Disclaimer: I own nada.**

"Attention, everyone." Professor Minerva McGonagall called out in a clear voice, managing to silence even the loudest of Gryffindors, (ie. Fred and George). "The headmaster feels that in order for us to achieve a better understanding of ourselves and each other, we should take a er, test of sorts, to allow us to reach this greater enlightenment." Or at least that's what she said aloud, the look on her face seemed to indicate that she thought the whole thing was a bunch of twaddle.

"What kind of test, Professor?" Percy Weasley demanded frantically. "I haven't had time to prepare."

Hermione seemed to be about to echo his sentiment, whereas Fred coughed in a way which sounded suspiciously like 'super nerd,' but of course that must just have been McGonagall's imagination, she must have misheard, Fred hastened to reassure her.

"It is called the Oreo Cookie Personality Test. It requires no studying or preparation, you will not be graded on it." She reassured him.

"But, Professor, what kind of test aren't you graded on?" Hermione demanded.

She really should not have to deal with problems like this, she wasn't the head of Ravenclaw house, after all, such problems were best left to Filius Flitwick.

Hermione at this point seem to register the title of the test and along with the other muggleborns and halfbloods was staring incredulosly at their head of house while the purebloods looked mostly puzzled.

"No, you did not mishear, Miss Granger." McGonagall prempting the girl's question. "I did say Oreo Cookie Personality Test, muggle psychologists have found-"

"What's a psychee-whatcha-ma-call-it?" Ron inquired interrupting his transfiguration teacher.

"Like a Mind Healer." McGonagall answered.

"Then why didn't you just call it that?" Ron asked with all the splendid illogic he was known to possess.

She really was not paid enough for this. "Never mind that, as I was saying, these muggles found that the manner in which you ingest these cookies indicates what personality type you have, Professor Dumbledore feels that we can all learn to understand each other better if we take this test. Now let's just get this done with as swiftly as possible, so I can sit and ponder what I did to deserve this, let's begin with the first years. Miss Vane, you're first." She said levitating a cookie and a glass of milk over to the girl.

The first year, who would be known primarily for trying to dose Harry with a love potion several years from now, took several quick bites soon consuming the entire cookie. She sent Harry what was meant to be an enticing look, although it was plainly lost on the Boy-Who-Lived-to-be-stalked-by-dark-lords-and-preteen-girls.

"This means that 'your boss likes you because you get your work done quickly. You always have a million things to do and never enough time to do them. Mental breakdowns and suicides run in your family. Valium and Ritalin would do you good.'" McGonagall recited. "Could anyone tell me what this means?"

This incited several apathetic looks, as well as a whispered conversation between Fred, George, and Lee Jordan which she was pretty sure was about whether letting off a load of dungbombs would be sufficient to put an end to this torture...meanwhile, Hermione and Percy both raised a hand frantically in the air and began saying 'choose me!' several times in a row, so that it became almost a chant of some sort.

"Miss Granger you can have this one, Mr. Weasley you can answer the next one." Percy looked disappointed whereas Hermione looked gleeful having one this most recent addition of who could be the biggest nerd.

"It means that she is good at multi-tasking but at the same time will face trouble because of how much work she takes on, this could lead to other, er, problems down the road." Which was a nice way of saying mental breakdowns and suicide.

"Alright, Mr. Sloper, you're next." McGonagall said once Hermione was finished. Jack Sloper just ate his oreo one bite at a time. "You are lucky to be one of the 5.4 billion other people who eat their Oreos this very same way. Just like them, you lack imagination, but that's okay, not to worry, you're normal."

She continued on finishing the first years with only a few minor incidents including Neville losing his toad only to have it reappear on Lavender's head, setting off a round of high-pitched screaming. "Well, let's just get on to the second years, shall we?"

"Ginevra Weasley, you're first."

"Ginny, professor." Said girl protested.

"Just eat the oreo, Miss Weasley." The transfiguration mistress said warily.

Ginny rolled her eyes and ate solely the chocolate portion of the cokie and not the inside.

"This indicates that you enjoy pain." McGonagall informed the girl.

"That's Ginny for you, such a nice, sweet girl." Fred remarked.

"Shut it, Fred." Ginny said elbowing her brother in the side and proving that her description had been accurate.

"Creevy, you're up." McGonagall said ignoring the siblings.

Colin like Romilda Vane ate his cookies in small quick bites, prompting the professor to read the same description again, thus creating the second commonality between the two besides their desire to stalk Harry, like stalking stalkers who stalk.

McGonagall continued onward with the other lesser known second years who no one really paid attention to, or knew existed, there were rumors that those students spent their time practicing blending in with the decor to avoid notice, and were in fact masters of a rare chameleon spell. If you believe such things.

"Miss Granger, you're first."

Hermione consumed the oreo via small, meticulous bites prompting the description, "You follow the rules. You're very tidy and orderly. You're very meticulous in every detail with every thing you do to the point of being anal retentive and irritating to others. Stay out of the fast lane if you're only going to go the speed limit."

"Cough, Percy junior, cough." George like his brother was mysteriously developing some rare form of bronchitis which prompted him to cough words.

"Mr. Weasley do you have a need to see the school nurse?" McGonagall demanded.

"No, professor." George said promptly.

"Than do stop coughing." She replied. "Ron Weasley, you're next."

Ron as it turns out dunked his Oreo.

"Every one likes you because you are always up beat. You like to sugar coat unpleasant experiences and rationalize bad situations into good ones. You are in total denial about the shambles you call a life. You have a propensity towards narcotic addiction."

"Speaking of which, Ron, we have some new totally non-addictive products you should try." Fred said innocently.

"There will be none of that, Mr. Weasley, I'd not expect such behavior from someone in my house." His professor said sternly. "Mr. Longbottom, you're next."

Neville like Ron dunked his cookies, prompting more offers from Fred and George which were only silenced when McGonagall threatened them with three rolls of parchment on 'why we do not offer addictive substances to underclassmen.'

Which, of course, forced them to ask if they were allowed to offer them to upperclassmen.

It was one of those if you give a mouse a cookie situations.

Lavender Brown and Parvati Patil were next, both girls stated that they didn't eat oreos on the grounds that it would damage their figures, earning them the following description: "You probably come from a rich family, and like to wear n"ice things, and go to up-scale restaurants. You are particular and fussy about the things you buy, own, and wear. Things have to be just right. You like to be pampered. You are a priss."

Harry twisted the oreo apart eating the inside and then the cookie, prompting Fred and George to note that they ate their Oreos the same way, and McGonagall to read the description "You have a highly curious nature. You take pleasure in breaking things apart to find out how they work, though not always able to put them back together, so you destroy all the evidence of your activities. You deny your involvement when things go wrong. You are a compulsive liar and exhibit deviant, if not criminal, behavior."

Seamus ate the entire thing at once prompting the description: "This means you consume life with abandon, you are fun to be with, exciting, carefree with some hint of recklessness. You are totally irresponsible. No one should trust you with their children."

Whereas Dean took small quick bites earning him a place alongside Romilda Vane and Colin Creevy.

McGonagall than had the dubious joy of moving onto the forth years which at least meant that she was close to halfway finished, which was good as she could see attention was beginning to waver, indicating that something would soon be blowing up if her more er, adventurous students were forced to pay much more attention. "Miss Bell you're up."

"Your boss likes you because you get your work done quickly. You always have a million things to do and never enough time to do them. Mental breakdowns and suicides run in your family. Valium and Ritalin would do you good."

"That is why Oliver likes her, you know, because she gets hold of the Quaffle so quickly." Fred informed them.

"I'm not her boss." Oliver protested.

"Sure, whatever you say, Supreme Dictator of Quidditch." George remarked innocently.

"Silence. Or there will be an extra hour of practice tonight." Oliver replied, proving their point but still managing to win the battle. But he would not win the war Fred and George vowed. The twins were silenced however by the threatening glares of their teamates who had no desire to practice another hour.

McGonagall made her way through the forth years finishing with Cormac McLaggen who twisted it apart eating only the inside and tossing out the cookie he earned the response "You are good at business and take risk that pay off. You take what you want and throw the rest away. You are greedy, selfish, mean, and lack feelings for others. You should be ashamed of yourself. But that's ok, you don't care, you got yours."

She then moved on to the fifth years starting with Lee Jordan, who ate the entire cookie at once, the twins who had been discussed alongside Harry. She then moved on to Alicia Spinnet, who dunked her oreos, and finally Angelina Johnson who ate her cookie in quick bites in the same way as Katie.

The sixth years were next, and McGonagall read off their descriptions quickly noticing the way Fred and George were whispering in the corner suspiciously. She really needed to get this done so that she could get out of here before they did whatever it was they were planning.

"Percy Weasley, it's your turn."

He, predictably, ate his in the same way of Hermione, prompting suggestions from the Weasley twins that the two should get married, and them to launch into song: "Percy and Hermione sitting in a library S-T-U-D-Y-I-N-G, first comes homework, then comes OWLS, then comes a high-level ministry position."

"Detention." McGonagall informed them benignly. "Oliver Wood, it's your turn."

Oliver like the twins twisted his oreos apart, eating the inside and then the cookie. The Gryffindor team really was composed of fine individuals, four people who exhibited deviant and/or criminal behavior, two people with a family history of mental breakdowns, and one with a propensity toward narcotic addiction. Yep. They were all quite sane. Relatively speaking, perhaps if you turn your head to the right and squint a tad.

"We are done, go about your business." Their head of house said disappearing out the portrait hole.

**A/N Woot, I'm watching Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone as I write this chapter. :) ABC Family is having a marathon. ;) Review! Update should appear next Tuesday.**


	13. The Ravenclaws

**A/N Hello, everyone, I have returned with an update! :D I am sorry that it is sixteen minutes late, but my mom interrupted me to talk about dorm room stuff. :P**

**Thanks to all Reviewers!**

**Dedication: To Loony L who in 2008 in a review to the first chapter called on me to represent the little known cookie then cream eaters. **

**Disclaimer: I own nada.**

The Ravenclaws were a simple house really, they liked to learn, ponder intellectual questions and philosophize, and they stayed out of most inter-house feuds considering themselves to be above the fray. On the whole, they didn't like things that couldn't be solidly proven based on logic, but of course there are exceptions to every rule, like Luna Lovegood, to name one.

Thus, it can be said that the Ravenclaws were less than pleased when their head of house Filius Flitwick had walked into their common room and ordered them to, get this, _put down their books_, he then told them they were going to take a test of sorts.

A test they could understand, tests were after all what they did best, although a few were concerned about the lack of preparation, the majority of them enjoyed the challenge they associated with pop quizzes.

"What is the test about?" Penelope Clearwater, head girl, and girlfriend to Percy Weasley asked.

"Oreos." Their professor had replied with a sigh. "It's an exam that determines your personality based on how you eat an oreo cookie, which is a chocolate sandwich style cookie with a crème filling, there are seventy calories in an oreo, and they weigh about eighteen ounces." Flitwick said knowing how his students liked to be informed of all the facts.

"Professor?" Lisa Turnpin, a half-blood asked raising he hand.

"Yes, Miss Turnpin?"

"Are we being punked?" She demanded. Many of the other muggleborns and halfbloods nodded in assent.

"Now, now, let's just try to think of this a-a" Flitwick seemed to search for something that they would relate to. "Learning experience! Yes, that's it! Let's just consider this as an opportunity to learn more about each other, and ourselves."

"Will this be graded?" Su Li called out.

Flitwick could feel a migraine coming on, the likes of which he had not experienced since having the dubious pleasure of teaching Cheering Charms to the Marauders, Marlene McKinnon, and Lily Evans many years ago. Potter and Evans had gotten into an argument, Sirius had spazzed out, Marlene without ever even getting hit by a cheering charm had gone off into a tangent to Caradoc Dearborn about whether he had ever fed carrots to a deer. It had been one of the few moments in his career where he had to dig down deep and ponder why he had decided to become a teacher.

"No." Flitwick replied. "We're going to do it for the sheer joy of learning. I'm sure you can all understand that."

In general, Ravenclaws fell into two camps, there were those who learned for the sake of learning and pondering big intellectual questions, then there were those who while yes, they did like to learn, they did not like to be forced into doing anything unless they were going to receive a grade for it.

Some of them looked rather skeptical but dubiously nodded their assent. Flitwick had a feeling that they would become rather uncooperative when they heard the, er, very scientific approach and conclusions the quiz drew.

"Ms. Quirke why don't you go first?" Flitwick suggested of one of the first year girls.

The first year took an Oreo and twisted it apart eating only the inside and tossing out the cookie.

"You are good at business and take risks that pay off. You take what you want and throw the rest away. You are greedy, selfish, mean, and lack feelings for others. You should be ashamed of yourself. But that's ok, you don't care, you got yours."

Orla was chiefly known for running a black-market business in essays and potions among the first through third year students. Her result came as no surprise to anyone in the room, not even Flitwick, who was aware of her activities but unable thus far to pin anything on her.

The girl seemed unfazed by being described as greedy and selfish, she merely shrugged and returned to working on what Flitwick was fairly sure was an essay Slughorn had assigned to his second year potions class.

"Mr. Ackerley, you're next."

Stewart Ackerley was the epitome of a stressed out smart student, always panicking and rushing about worrying about getting everything done, and managing straight O's frantic that he might get an E one day.

Unsurprisingly, he drew the result of "Your boss likes you because you get your work done quickly. You always have a million things to do and never enough time to do them. Mental breakdowns and suicides run in your family. Valium and Ritalin would do you good."

Flitwick had it on good authority that he could procure those drugs from Su Li who dealt in black-market drugs intended to inspire better focus. He hastily moved on before Su Li could make any offers to the first year. He made his way through the first years relatively quickly with the ruthless efficiency of a Ravenclaw, and moved on to the second years. "Miss Lovegood, you're next."

"Professor, there's a nargle!" Luna exclaimed her eyes wide.

"Yes, yes, dear, I'm sure there is." He replied absently. "Why don't you just eat an oreo, hm?"

Luna, unsurprisingly, did not adhere to any of the rules placed by the quiz. She scrapped off all the cream and set it aside, and ate first the cookie and then the cream.

"Er, there doesn't seem to be a result for that." Flitwick visibly flinched, he had a feeling this would turn out badly.

"What do you meant there's no result?" Roger Davies demanded.

"Er-"

"Are you telling me that the makers of this quiz did not analyze ever possible way in which this cookie could possibly be taken apart and consumed before putting it together and calling it correct?" Mariette Edgecombe exclaimed.

"Well-" Flitwick began again only to be interrupted.

"I really don't think we can continue with this quiz at this point." Padma Patil announced.

"I agree with Padma," Terry Boot added. "If this quiz can't even account for all the possible combinations how can we possibly believe it to be correct?"

"I don't know." Flitwick admitted defeat.

"The answer is simple!" Mandy Brocklehurst announced.

"I'm right there with you, Mandy," Stephen Cornfoot, one of her fellow third years proclaimed. "We should right a letter to the makers of the quiz."

"Not just any letter, Stephen, a_ strongly-worded _letter!" Mandy corrected.

"Genius!" Eddie Carmichael agreed.

"We can even go beyond that." Cho Chang exclaimed.

"Beyond a strongly worded letter?" Steward Ackerley asked in total shock.

"Yes," The older girl confirmed. "We can make it our own personal research project to find all the true combinations and then conduct research on all the Hogwarts students and staff to find the correct descriptions!"

"Wow, that's brilliant, Cho, I hope that when I'm your age I can be as smart as you." Lisa Turnpin exclaimed awe-stricken.

"I have an even better idea," Michael Corner announced.

"What is it?" Penelope Clearwater asked.

"We attach the results of our own study to our strongly worded letter and send it to them so they can see what true research looks like!"

"Yes!" A hurrah went up throughout the room.

Flitwick decided it was best just to back away, slowly while he still could. He left the results with them assuming they would use it as a base of operations for their experiments.

** A/N Review! :)**


	14. The Hufflepuffs

**A/N hello, everyone, I apologize for the slight lateness of this.**

**Thanks to all Reviewers!**

**Dedication: To E. for their review.**

**Disclaimer: I own nada. ;)**

Unlike the other professors who had been greeted by incredulous questions such as, 'you're kidding, right?' and 'you have got to be joking,' Professor Sprout's Hufflepuff replied to her announcement of an Oreo cookie personality test with decidedly more enthusiasm and less griping. She knew most people considered Hufflepuff's to be the leftover house, but really, she much preferred her students who were usually polite, friendly, and loyal to the other students who were constantly fighting with each other or debating as the Ravenclaws referred to it.

"Why don't we push some tables together so we can all enjoy our Oreos as a group?" Hannah Abbot, currently a third year, suggested.

Her suggestion was met with enthusiasm by the rest of her house who hurried to assist her, and Professor Sprout was happy to report that moving the tables only resulted in seven injuries including one rolled ankle, three jammed fingers, a sprained toe, a bruised forehead, and a broken nose. Contrary to all rumors, Hufflepuffs were definitely not prone to random bursts of klutziness, she had no idea how that notion kept cropping up everywhere.

She sent the injured students to the hospital wing, and told them they were excused from the assignment; they seemed vaguely disappointed but willing to accept it.

"Miss Jones, would you be so kind as to pass out the milk and cookies to your classmates."

"Of course, professor." Megan replied leaping up from her spot at the table and accidentally smacking Zacharias Smith who was seated next to her in the mouth and causing him to begin bleeding profusely. "Ohmygosh, I am so sorry!" She exclaimed. "Are you alright?"

He nodded his head in reply not caring to move his mouth much.

"Perhaps you had better go to the hospital wing, Mr. Smith?" Professor Sprout suggested gingerly.

He seemed to agree because he nodded his head and got up to leave the room. Megan immediately attempted to chase after him shouting out apologies only to trip over a chair and smack her head on a table. At least half of her classmates immediately surrounded her.

"Are you alright, Miss Jones?" The herbology teacher asked crouching down beside the girl.

"How many fingers am I holding up?" Laura Madley who wanted to be a healer demanded.

"Eleven?" Megan asked.

"Two." Laura replied looking at the other girl strangely. Probably this was due to the fact that it was in fact impossible for her (barring the presence of a birth defect she did not have), to hold up eleven fingers.

"We had better get her to the hospital wing. Laura would you be so good as to escort her?" Professor Sprout requested briskly.

"Of course, Professor." Laura agreed stooping down and pulling the other girl up, allowing Megan to lean against her for support.

As they left the common room, Professor Sprout began to get the feeling that Professor Dumbledore wouldn't have assigned them to take this test if he had known so many of them would get injured, but then again maybe he would have.

Nonetheless, she forged bravely onward; Hufflepuffs were nothing if not committed (although she was beginning to think maybe the other houses were right when they said Hufflepuffs should only be allowed to use safety scissors...)

"Okay, this is what we are going to do, we are going to CAREFULLY make our way back to the tables, then we are going to CAREFULLY sit down, and then we are going to CAREFULLY pass out the Oreos, and then we are going to CAREFULLY eat them." Professor Sprout commanded stressing their main goal for the next hour or so.

"Don't worry, professor, we've got everything under control." Owen Cauldwell said in a way that would have been reassuring if he hadn't tripped over a first year and sent them both tumbling to the ground. He ended up with a quill embedded in his hand, and the first year ended up with ink in his eyes unable to see.

"...That's what I was afraid of." She muttered. "Volunteers to take them to the hospital wing." She got about a dozen volunteers all of whom rushed over to help, only to have them collide with each other, resulting in at least half of them having debilitating injuries. She ordered all of them to just go to the hospital wing.

Over half her house was already in the hospital wing. "You know what let's just forget the whole table thing, just sit down wherever you are and we'll have a nice picnic on the ground."

Unfortunately, they seemed to take her words literally because they all flopped down directly where they where resulting in around five of them sitting down on something sharp, and one even tumbled out a window, although she was able to catch him with a levitation charm.

She sent the injured students to the hospital wing, and resolved that she would right Professor Dumbledore a nicely worded letter about how it was not safe to give her house these types of projects, and she would very much appreciate if he would refrain from doing so in the future. She would be sure to include a lovely pumpkin bundt cake with the note of course, because that would be sure to soften the blow her words may cause.

Professor Pomona Sprout glanced around the common room and found that she was left with just ten students. "Let's just finish this up, shall we?"

"Professor, we haven't even started yet." Hannah Abbot pointed out.

"Yes, well, we'll just complete the assignment with you remaining ten students, Miss Abbot you're first. Eat an Oreo, please."

Hannah took an oreo and ate it by dunking the oreo, prompting Professor Sprout to read the following description: "Every one likes you because you are always up beat. You like to sugar coat unpleasant experiences and rationalize bad situations into good ones. You are in total denial about the shambles you call a life. You have a propensity towards narcotic addiction."

Her classmates immediately rushed to comfort her and assure her that they didn't think her life was in shambles, but if it was in shambles they would be quite happy to help her fix it in any way they could.

"We're making excellent progress indeed, Mr. Finch-Fletchy, why don't you go next?" She suggested brightly, her spirits raised by this small success.

Justin ate his in quick bites earning him the description: "Your boss likes you because you get your work done quickly. You always have a million things to do and never enough time to do them. Mental breakdowns and suicides run in your family. Valium and Ritalin would do you good."

"Justin, if you have too much work to do, I would be happy to help you!" Rose Zeller exclaimed drawing nods of assent from others in the room.

After this fuzzy interlude finished, Professor Sprout called on Ernie MacMillion to eat his Oreo, unfortunately they were unable to ascertain how he ate his Oreo because he began choking on the cookie, and had to have one of his classmates give him the Heimlich. Professor Sprout suggested he go see Madam Pomfrey just to be safe.

"Why don't we just conclude with you, Mr. Diggory?" Professor Sprout said settling on the person who would be her favorite student if she had been prone to playing favorites.

"I dunk them like, Hannah."

"Perhaps we can form a support group!" Hannah, who had a massive crush on Cedric, suggested.

"Er, yeah, maybe." Cedric said noncommittally.

"Wonderful." Hannah said brightly.

"I think that is quite enough for one day." Professor Sprout said firmly rising to leave the room. "Have a nice afternoon." She called as she retreated from the room.

**A/N Erm. Yeah, I've probably read one too many pieces of flair about Hufflepuffs spending the day with safety scissors and glitter glue. :P**

**Review! Update will occur approx. Monday.**


	15. The Aurors

**A/N Hello, everyone, as always I'm sorry for the lateness of this update.**

**Thanks to all Reviewers!**

**Dedication: To I Love Neville for their awesome reviews. :D :D **

**Disclaimer: I own nada.**

Rufus Scrimgeour stalked into the Auror's department with a scowl on his face, clearly in a Very Bad Mood.

"Attention, everyone," He growled out. "I've just been to see the Minister, and for some unfathomable reason he seems to think it would be a good idea if he were to take a test of sorts."

"Not another sanity test, I honestly do not understand why they think we're all nutters." Dawlish complained.

"Not exactly." Scrimgeour replied. Although, he was fairly sure that the reason everyone thought they were insane probably had a lot to do with the recently retired Alastor 'Mad-Eye' Moody who had pretty much secured their reputation as such.

"What is it then?" Nymphadora Tonks inquired changing her hair from bright blue back to her usual bubble gum pink as she spoke.

Scrimgeour really needed to have a talk with that girl about what did and did not constitute stealth, i.e. bright pink hair. Not right now though, because he was too busy being annoyed with the Minister for that.

"We are going to take an Oreo Cookie Personality Test." He announced with the air of someone pronouncing an execution. The auror department was really prone to dramatics.

"Er, why?" Williamson, possessor of a pony-tail capable of rivaling Bill Weasley's inquired.

"Because the Minister is clearly bored, and thus in need of tormenting a new department, and obviously the auror department drew the short straw." The head of the department replied in a biting tone. "Honestly, don't they know we have actual important stuff to do?"

"Come on, guys, it's not that bad, we'll take the quiz and then we'll go back to doing whatever it is we do." Tonks said with a very impressive eye-roll, of course being a metamorphamagus insured that all her eye rolls were rather awesome.

"I don't really get why we even have to do it." Gawain Robards, one of the best aurors in the department and the few former Slytherins in the department, stated. "How is the minister really going to know whether we took it or not?"

"That is an excellent point." Proudfoot agreed.

"As much as I would love to do that," Scrimgeour said with a grimace. "He's sending someone from the Muggle Relations Department to supervise."

"Damn." Robards remarked. "Can't we just bribe them into silence?"

"I doubt it." Scrimgeour stated. "The members of that particular department tend to be notoriously honest."

"This is why our department is always under scrutiny," Kingsley complained.

"What are you talking about, Shacklebolt?" Scrimgeour asked.

"The frequency with which we attempt to bribe, blackmail, and otherwise silence our co-workers tend to make people think we've taken one too many knocks on the head." He explained.

Tonks shrugged and gave her fellow auror a 'what-are-you-gonna-do' expression.

"Here's a thought," Savage began. "Why don't we just tell whoever comes down here that we already finished the quiz, and were, er, vastly enlightened by it?"

"I don't think that would work." Dawlish argued. "There's no way they would believe us, our department was voted 'most likely to lie to co-workers to avoid unwanted assignments' in last month's interdepartmental newspaper."

"We have an interdepartmental newspaper?" Williamson asked.

"Honestly, don't you read?" Dawlish asked peevishly.

"Not when I can avoid it." The other auror admitted easily.

"The point is no one will believe it." Dawlish concluded.

"There's no way we can afford to take this quiz." Robards argued. "They already think the lot of us is crazy, and I'm willing to bet whatever responses those quiz give aren't going to help us out any."

"I have a suggestion," Tonks began.

"What is it?" Scrimgeour asked the metamorphamagus.

"Well, I've actually already heard about this quiz, and I happen to know that if we eat the cookie one bite at a time we'll get the result 'you are normal.'" Tonks explained. "All we have to do is wait for the Muggle Relations guy to get here and then proceed to eat the cookies one bite at a time."

"You know in the time you guys have spent planning how to avoid taking this quiz you could be finished." Davy Gudgeon, head of the Muggle Relations Department, remarked from where he had been standing unseen leaning against the wall.

"Er, how long have you been there?" Dawlish inquired.

"Long enough." The other wizard replied evenly.

Scrimgeour was fairly confident that this was right about the time Moody would have been screaming 'CONSTANT VIGILANCE' in their ears.

"And, as fair warning I definitely won't believe that anyone in this department is normal and neither will the Minister so Auror Tonks' scheme definitely won't work." He added, and upon seeing the mutinous expressions on their face he was forced to continue: "And, hexing me will definitely not help you prove your sanity cause."

"Let's just get this done, without making our department look any worse than it already does." Scrimgeour said with a sigh.

"Excellent attitude, Auror Scrimgeour, why don't you go first?" Gudgeon suggested thrusting a box of Oreos at the head auror.

Scrimgeour's hands tightened ominously around the box but he took it and selected an Oreo. He ate only the inside before tossing away the cookie in a waste bin.

"You are good at business and take risks that pay off. You take what you want and throw the rest." Gudgeon recited.

"Compassion is his strong suit." Williamson agreed.

Scrimgeour flung a paperweight at the other auror's head. Williamson, having the good sense to duck, did not suffer the cranial injury the head auror had intended. (It's a little known fact that most aurors get more injuries from each other than actual dark wizards).

"Er, moving on." Gudgeon said with a nervous glance at Scrimgeour. "Auror Tonks you're next."

Tonks consumed the cookie in several quick bites.

"Your boss likes you because you get your work done quickly. You always have a million things to do and never enough time to do them. Mental break downs run in your family. Valium and Ritalin would do you good."

"My mum's a Black." She said with a shrug as though that explained everything (which it kind of did, sadly).

Gudgeon who had gone to school with her cousin Sirius Black shuddered and swiftly steered them onwards. "Dawlish, how about you?"

Dawlish happened to dunk his Oreos and garnered the following description: "Everyone likes you because you are always up beat. You like to sugar coat unpleasant experiences and rationalize bad situations into good ones. You are in total denial about the shambles you call a life. You have a propensity towards narcotic addiction."

"I guess Dawlish can't go any assignments to confiscate illegal substances." Proudfoot proclaimed.

Dawlish proved why he earned all Outstandings on his N.E.W.T.S by successfully hexing his fellow auror unconscious before the other one had any time to react.

"Upbeat, my ass." Williamson muttered but abruptly froze when the other auror waved his wand threateningly at him.

"Auror Williamson, you're next." Gudgeon proclaimed eager to defuse the situation. Williamson ate the entire cookie in one bite much to the collective dismay of the majority of those gathered in the room: "This means you consume life with abandon, you are fun to be with, exciting, carefree with some hint of recklessness. You are totally irresponsible. No one should trust you with their children."

"I always said he couldn't be trusted with anything more alive than a rock." Dawlish informed his boss.

Williamson looked highly tempted to hex the other auror, but was only stopped when Tonks nodded meaningfully to the unconscious Proudfoot.

"Auror Robards, you're next." Gudgeon stated looking as though he were growing steadily more nervous the longer he remained in their presence (which was the case with most visitors to their department, you had to be a certain brand of crazy to fit in with them). Robards twisted it apart eating the inside and then the cookie. "You have a highly curious nature. You take pleasure in breaking things apart to find out how they work, though not always able to put them back together, so you destroy all the evidence of your activities. You deny your involvement when things go wrong. You are a compulsive liar and exhibit deviant, if not criminal, behavior."

"Are you sure you've got the right job, Robards?" Savage asked innocently. "It seems like you fit in better with the other side."

Robards scowled at the other auror and gestured threateningly at him.

"Why don't you go next Auror Savage?" Gudgeon inquired. Savage ate the cookie, but not the inside portion: "You enjoy pain."

"Fitting given the name." Robards remarked eager for revenge and knowing that Savage's last name was a sore point with him.

Savage pulled his wand out and appeared to be on the verge of hexing the other auror, but was stopped by a quick expeliarmus by Scrimgeour

"So, that just leaves you Auror Shacklebolt." Gudgeon noted looking thrilled to be escaping their presence.

Kingsley was a dunker just like Dawlish, so Gudgeon just told him to recall what Dawlish had been told and positively fled the room.

"He is _so_ going to recommend we all see Mind Healers again." Tonks said with a sigh.

"Eh, what else is new?" Williamson asked.

"Get back to work, the lot of you." Scrimgeour commanded. "And do something about that." He said gesturing vaguely at the unconscious Proudfoot before disappearing into his private office.

**A/N Review! There will probably only be one more chapter after this unless you have any other suggestions for characters to examine. Update next Monday.**


	16. A Dark Day

**A/N Hello, everyone, I apologize for the lateness of this update, things have been crazy lately. There will be one more chapter after this one, so contrary to what I said previously this is NOT the last chapter.**

**Thanks to all Reviewers!**

**Dedication: To Bittersweet x my 200****th**** Reviewer. :D**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. :D**

"I have called you here today to tell you about a very sad occurrence indeed," Dumbledore announced gravely. He had gathered the heads of houses in his office to gently break this most terrible and grievous news to them.

McGonagall appeared to be vaguely concerned, while Snape looked apathetic, Flitwick look preoccupied, and Sprout pondered how dangerous the various sharp objects in Dumbledore's office would be if her students were ever to come into contact with them.

"What is it, Headmaster?" McGonagall asked finally expecting to hear of death eaters storming the castle, another swamp in the corridor, or something similarly catastrophic.

"The minister has issued a proclamation." Dumbledore informed them somberely.

"Not another one." Flitwick said with a sigh.

"Oh, yes, and I'm afraid this one is much worse than all previous proclamations."

"Worse than Umbridge?" McGonagall asked skeptically.

"Read it and see for yourselves," He replied.

-BY ORDER OF-

The Minister of Magic

After extensive research on the so-called 'Oreo Cookie Psych Test' the Ministry has concluded that it represents a severe and pervasive danger to wizarding society as we know it.

It has been utilized by death eaters, inspired drug sales to vulnerable personages, sown disorder among close-knit pureblood families, resulted in numerous injuries to members of Hufflepuff house, caused nervous breakdowns among Ravenclaws due to its inexactitude, inspired Gryffindors to prank and otherwise disobey rules, caused Slytherins to run said drug sales, burdened Hogwarts staff members, noticeably pushing one professor towards a nervous breakdown after twice encountering these cookies in her lesson plans, interrupted strategy meetings and caused the Auror department to move further into the bounds of severe instability.

All of these factors make it clear that there is only one solution to the plague of volatility and insanity that has swept through Wizarding England as a result of this quiz: We must place a total ban on the Oreo Cookie Psych Test; no one is ever to discuss the meaning of how individuals choose to consume their Oreos. We at the Ministry believe that your method of Oreo consumption is your choice and not something that should be analyzed or discussed.

Any individual or group caught discussing Oreo cookie consumption will be fined at rates starting from ten galleons and increasing upwards to one thousand galleons, more severe offenders could even face time in Azkaban. We caution you not to take this ban lightly.

The above is accordance with Ministry of Magic Governance Decree Number 2,687,534,892,278

Signed:

Cornelius Fudge

Minister of Magic

"I can tell by the looks on your faces that you are all quite horrified and grieved by this development." Dumbledore announced when they had all finished reading.

Obviously, he was growing senile in his old age, because in reality McGonagall looked as though Christmas had come early, Sprout had a look of sincere relief, Flitwick looked as though he could cry with gratitude, and the corner of Snape's mouth momentarily twitched in what could have been an almost smile, but disappeared too quickly for anyone to be sure. Which was probably for the best because a smiling Snape might finally be enough to push the dangerously unstable population of Hogwarts off the edge.

"But never fear!" Dumbledore exclaimed. The other professors didn't tell him that up until he had spoken they had been quite the opposite of afraid, now they were very afraid-afraid he would manage to overturn the decree that is. "We have recourse still, we must stand firm and petition the Ministry, telling them how helpful and enlightening we all consider the Oreo Cookie Psych Test to be."

"Er, well, not that we don't want to or anything," Sprout began subtly.

"It's just that the Minister sounded quite firm in his ban, didn't he Filius?" McGonagall asked desperately.

"Yes, yes he did." Flitwick hastened to agree.

"And, what about you, Severus, what is your opinion?" Dumbledore asked the most persnickety of the gathered professors.

"Yes." Snape said nodding his head.

"Yes, what?" Dumbledore asked.

Snape looked pained. He really hated to agree with his fellow professors, not quite as much as he hated Dumbledore's favorite quiz though. "I don't think the minister is going to change his mind, as much as it grieves us all, and truly it does, er deep down, I think we will just have to move on. Sadly."

"If you're all sure…"

"We are!" McGonagall exclaimed hurriedly.

"I guess the Oreo Cookie Quiz will have to be but a fond memory of our past…"

**A/N This was originally intended to be the last chapter, alas, it is not.**

**There will be an epilogue featuring the next generation at the suggestion of Mistress of Magic22. **

**They will be illegally breaking Ministry of Magic Decree 2,687,534,892,278. :P**

**That final chapter will be posted on Monday. **

**Anyway, Review!**


	17. Epilogue

**A/N Hello, everyone! I have returned with the final installment of How Do YOU Eat Your Oreo Cookies? Now that it is over I am sad to see it go. Lol. **

**Thanks to all Reviewers!**

**Dedication: To everyone who has stuck with this story through the extremely long writing process. :D**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. ;)**

"Shh," James Sirius Potter hissed making frantic shushing noises at his various gathered siblings and cousins. "We're on a mission and we can't afford to get caught."

"I really don't understand why we're doing this." His younger brother Albus S. Potter remarked flatly crossing his arms and staring at his brother with a disgruntled expression.

"Where is your sense of adventure?" James demanded of the second Potter child. "And, Teddy could you at least try to act interested and stop making goo goo eyes at Victorie?"

Teddy flushed bright red to the top of his currently bright blue head. "Shut up, James." He muttered.

"Whatever," James remarked not sounding at all contrite.

"My mum says that we're supposed to obey the rules," Rose Weasley said frowning sternly at James.

"You're mum is a hyp-oh-oh…" James trailed off uncertainly and looked over at Teddy for help.

"Hypocrite?" Teddy suggested.

"Yeah, that." James agreed. "She says that all the time, but do you know what kind of stuff her and dad and Uncle Ron did at Hogwarts? They snuck out after hours, hexed at least one professor, broke into the restricted section, stole from a professor's private potion stores, the list goes on and on."

"Stop being such a worry-wart Rosie," Fred Weasley admonished his cousin. "After all with all the stuff our parents did, it's not like we can't just say their horrible examples led us to it."

"That's hardly appropriate, Fred." Molly, eldest daughter of Percy Weasley, exclaimed sounding scandalized.

"Ah, but you said _hardly_ appropriate," Fred emphasized.

"Implying that it is at least partly appropriate." His younger sister, Roxanne, chorused with a grin.

"This is illegal," Molly tried a different tack.

"Yeah, but it was made illegal under Fudge, and from what I've heard he was downright ridiculous." Dominique pointed out.

"Where are my cookies," Lily Potter demanded of her eldest brother. "You said I would get cookies if I agreed to do this."

"You'll get your cookies, Lil." James replied waving off her complain.

"I better, or else you'll be sorry." She said baring her teeth threateningly at her brother. James flinched.

"Afraid of the six year old?" Teddy snickered.

"She can be downright scary if crossed, right Al?" James said turning to his younger brother for support.

As much as it pained Albus to agree with his brother and it really did, (James had a big enough head as it was) he had to concede the point.

"I want my cookies, too." Hugo Weasley said with a scowl. "You swore."

"Me too." Lucy, Percy's youngest daughter, piped up.

"You're going to get your cookies," James said impatiently. "Let's just hurry this along before we have a riot on our hands." He added to the others. "Did you bring it?" He asked turning to Teddy.

"Oh, I brought it." Teddy confirmed. "No easy task either, okay maybe it was pretty easy." He admitted pulling out several rolls of parchment and slapping it down in the center of the large circle of Wizarding children.

"How did you get it?" Fred asked sounding vaguely awed, and it took quite a lot to awe him.

"Snuck into the Hall of Records disguised like the Minister, asked for everything they had on the Oreo Cookie Psych Test." Teddy said with a shrug, it was all in a day's work for a metamorphamagus.

"So what did you find out?" James asked.

"Why was it banned?" Albus asked interested despite his best efforts not to be.

"Well, apparently there were a lot of problems with it," Teddy replied. "The ministry apparently found that it caused people to become unstable, but personally I think that's a crock, I think it had more to do with the people who they gave it to than anything else. They were all already pretty nutters."

"They gave it to our parents, and your grandma, well actually most of your maternal family," Molly pointed out.

"My point exactly." Teddy said with a smirk.

"You got the other supplies right, Victorie?" James interrupted.

"Of course," Victorie replied procuring a package of Oreos and a gallon of milk, which she began pouring into the glasses that they had smuggled into the attic where they were holding their little meeting.

"Who wants to go first?" James inquired.

"Since you're so excited about it, why don't you go first?" Rose suggested.

"All right, I will." James said. "Toss me a cookie."

James twisted apart the cookie, eating the inside and then the cookie.

"You have a highly curious nature. You take pleasure in breaking things apart to find out how they work, though not always able to put them back together, so you destroy all the evidence of your activities. You deny your involvement when things go wrong. You are a compulsive liar and exhibit deviant, if not criminal, behavior." Teddy recited.

"There's a shocker," Molly murmured sarcastically.

"According to this, that's the same thing Grandpa James got when he took it." Albus informed his brother reading through the painstakingly recorded records. "Apparently Dad got that, too."

"Well, if you really think about all the stuff dad got up to in school it's not really that surprising." James pointed out. "Who's next, how about you, Lils, since you're so eager to get your cookies?"

"Don't mind if I do," Lily replied seizing a cookie and scraping off the cream before eating only the cookie. "The fillings gross." She explained when several of her cousins stared at her.

"You enjoy pain." Teddy stated.

"Well we already _knew_ that." James replied with an eye roll. "What does the quiz say?"

"That's what it says," Teddy said pointing to the description on the parchment.

"…Apparently that's the same thing mum got." Albus informed the group. "Uncle Charlie said she was quite evil as a child, but really who listens to Uncle Charlie? He jumped off a roof with no broom."

"I think Uncle Charlie's awesome," Roxanne protested. "He's an awesome Quidditch player and he works with dragons."

"As long as you're busy regaling us with your awe for him, why don't go next?" Teddy suggested.

Roxanne shoved an entire Oreo cookie in her mouth in a fashion that was decidedly less than ladylike. "Well, she certainly matches Uncle Charlie, apparently that's what he did too." Albus informed the group after consulting the roll of parchment he held.

"What's it mean?" Roxanne asked Teddy once she had swallowed her cookie.

"This means you consume life with abandon, you are fun to be with, exciting, carefree with some hint of recklessness. You are totally irresponsible. No one should trust you with their children." He answered.

"Lucky she's the youngest then." Molly noted.

"Like mum would ever leave Fred in charge either." Roxanne replied with an eye roll. "She says that the day she leaves the two of us alone is the day she checks herself into St. Mungo's Ward for Long-Term Mental Maladies or something like that. She said she would've done it already but she didn't want to subjected to some old professor of hers that lives there."

"Lockhart," Teddy supplied. "Supposedly he didn't know how to do much besides memory charms, and one backfired spectacularly when he tried to use it on Uncle Harry and Uncle Ron (1)."

"I heard that," James agreed. "Who's next? How about you Fred?"

"I'm proud to say I eat them the same as you." Fred answered grabbing an Oreo and demonstrating for good measure.

"Uncle Fred ate them like that, too." Albus said softly. Fred Weasley I was still a rather sore issue among their parents especially Fred's dad, not that anyone blamed them for being upset.

"Why don't you go next, Al?" James suggested cutting through the momentarily somber mood.

Albus dunked his Oreo in milk before eating it garnering the result: "Everyone likes you because you are always upbeat. You like to sugar coat unpleasant experiences and rationalize bad situations into good ones. You are in total denial about the shambles you call a life. You have a propensity towards narcotic addiction."

"You know my dad has some products you would probably like in his shop," Fred began.

"That's why this quiz got banned in the first place." Dominique Weasley pointed out.

"And, on that note why don't you go next, Dominique?" Teddy suggested.

"I dunk 'em same as Al." Dominique answered.

"We could really make a killing off selling stuff to them," Fred tried again.

"No." Teddy said firmly. "We only sell potentially addictive substances to Slytherins." He admonished sternly. "Louis why don't you go next?"

The youngest of Bill and Fleur's children took one look at the Oreo's and made a face of extreme distaste. "No, thank you." He answered politely.

"There's a result for that, too, isn't there?" James asked. "There's a result for everything."

"Actually, there isn't. Apparently it caused severe emotional disturbance among many Ravenclaws resulting in plans to revamp the quiz as well as a strongly worded letter or two." Rose informed her cousin.

"Nerds." James muttered.

"Well, you can hardly blame them considering the quiz advertises itself as being able to tell your personality from how you eat them; it doesn't say anything about only applying to most people or some people." Rose countered.

"I worry about you, sometimes." James said frankly.

"Regardless, there is in fact a result for Louis." Teddy interrupted reading off the result which was: "You probably come from a rich family, and like to wear nice things, and go to up-scale restaurants. You are particular and fussy about the things you buy, own, and wear. Things have to be just right. You like to be pampered. You are a prima donna. There's just no pleasing you. Why are you here with us little people?"

"He gets it from mum I think." Dominique said nodding sagely. "Why don't you go next Victorie?"

Her older sister ate the cookie in quick bites prompting Teddy to read the following result: "Your boss likes you because you get your work done quickly. You always have a million things to do and never enough time to do them. Mental break downs run in your family. Valium and Ritalin would do you good."

"Nothing wrong with that." Teddy was quick to ad.

"You are so obvious." James murmured with an eye-roll.

Teddy ignored him. "Molly how about you go next?"

To no one's great surprise Molly consumed her Oreos in meticulous bites getting the same description her father had gotten years before: "You follow the rules. You're very tidy and orderly. You're very meticulous in every detail with everything you do to the point of being anal and irritating to others. Stay out of the fast lane if you're only going to go the speed limit."

"Who still has to go?" James wondered. "Lucy, you're up." He added spying the younger girl.

Lucy was a constant source of consternation to her older sister given her slovenly ways and generally reckless behavior. The younger girl took the cookie and shoved it in her mouth much the same way as her cousin Roxanne had earlier.

"That's disgusting." Molly said wrinkling her nose up in dismay.

"To each her own." Lucy replied sounding unfazed.

"So, that just leaves Rose and Hugo." Teddy remarked.

"And you," James was quick to ad. "Don't think you're getting out of this, Teddy."

"Whatever," Teddy replied trying to act as though he had not been trying to avoid participation (when he so totally was). "Rosie why don't you go first?"

Rosie, like her mother before her, ate the cookie in meticulous bites garnering the same result as her cousin Molly.

Hugo went next dunking his Oreos just like his father was known to do. Fortunately, Fred was prevented from offering to sell him any addictive products.

"Your turn, Teddy." James exclaimed gleefully in a sing-song voice.

"Yeah, yeah." Teddy muttered with the air of someone facing an executioner instead of a cookie. The metamorphamagus grabbed an Oreo and ate it in a few quick bites.

"Aww, just like Victorie." James exclaimed. "Teddy and Victorie sitting in a tree,"

"Finish that sentence and I end you." Victorie hissed at her cousin. "Painfully."

"K-I-S-S-I-N-G," Fred was nothing if not quick to help out a relative in need.

"I hate you all." Victorie exclaimed in a frustrated tone getting to her feet and storming out of the attic.

"First comes love, then comes marriage," Fred called after her.

"Then comes the baby in the baby carriage." James finished.

"I hate you." Teddy said darkly getting up and preparing to follow Victorie out of the attic.

"Another thing you have in common!" James yelled after him.

"In a moment we're going to have our non-grief over your death in common." Teddy called back threateningly.

"Gosh, there's no need to be so hostile." James said reprovingly.

"Oh, there's a _need_."

-The End-

**A/N Thanks to all of you who have read and reviewed this story through the close to three and a half years that it has been in progress. :)**

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**Anyway, thanks to all of you who have taken the time to read and review this story. :)**

**Now that I am done with this I will start working on the Black Family Bonding Sessions which will probably wind up as a short story. Be on the lookout for it. ;)**

**Review and let me know what you thought of the Epilogue, I've never written anything Next Gen before, and I haven't read many fics pertaining to them either. :P**


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